Loving him exhausted me, and he could see it; the texts and phone calls and how much I poured myself into our relationship. For his own reasons he couldn’t give the same. It’s been three and a half months since our relationship ended and I finally feel OK. The moments when I think about the relationship and remember what was good outweigh the moments I only remember what was bad.
I can’t quantify the amount of reflection and rough nights it took for me to end up here — it wasn’t easy. In the first month or so all I could feel in the moments I was by myself was his absence; the person I told everything to was no longer around. How badly I wanted to just snap my fingers and go back to how it was. I cried and cried, started going to therapy and had countless deep conversations with those closest to me. Some people just aren’t supposed to be together and that’s the way life goes.
I got back on Tinder and Bumble, went on a few dates and felt no sparks; the immediate ease and connection I had felt with my ex wasn’t there. My gut told me that it wasn’t going to happen any time soon either. In all the conversations and dates the leading thought in my head was, “I’d rather be alone or with my friends right now.”
Day by day I’ve started to develop a stronger relationship with myself. While I once thought of those hours of being by myself as lonely, now I see them as time to make myself happy. I returned to the interests and people that had fallen second to my relationship and the stress from it. I internalize the little funny moments in life. I’ve been building a foundation within myself, one strong enough to lean on on difficult days. I see my friends more, whether it’s grabbing food, working out or just watching TV and making TikToks; being alone has strengthened my relationship with myself and the people who have been there through thick and thin.
Some of my favorite ways to just be with myself are going out for coffee and bagels on my own, driving with no particular destination and journaling. I humorously say that I’ve given up on finding someone, but really I’ve just stopped searching. The right person will come when they do, and until then I just want to have fun on my own. Your 20s are the years you figure out who you are, so embrace them. The person who will always be right for you is you, and you owe yourself everything.