Sometimes it’s easy to settle when you’re in a relationship; it’s not hard to overlook the little things or dismiss feelings. It’s easy to ignore the red flags and instead choose to see what you want in your partner simply because of the feelings you have for them and the memories you’ve shared together. It’s easy, but it’s not healthy. I’ve been cheated on, used, and led on. Even though the red flags are obvious to me now, at that time, I turned my chin at every single one of them and grasped onto whatever shred of hope I had left. That being said, I’ve learned from my mistakes and I’m better and smarter because of it. I’m in a healthy relationship now with someone who cares for me in ways I’ve never experienced before, and I finally know I’m not settling anymore. It’s not just a feeling I have, though; there are certain acts of kindness and service that he does to reassure me and make me feel wanted. I’m not even sure if he’s aware he does these things or if he just does them because he’s a genuinely good guy, but here they are in list format anyway.
- The relationship is 50/50
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In a 50/50 relationship, both partners put in equal amounts of work. It’s a simple concept to grasp, but it’s something I’ve overlooked in the past. Even though we’re long distance, I’m not the only one who’s driving or making plans to see each other. We take turns driving to the other’s apartment for the weekend, and it’s reassuring to know that he wants to see me as much as I want to see him. And if I’m being honest, I’d drive a lot more than I already do just to see him. But it’s not just about driving, it’s also about communication; keeping in contact is necessary in relationships, especially long distance ones, and you can’t be the only one putting in the work. I’m the kind of person who likes constant communication, whether it’s texting or Snapchat, I don’t care, it just has to be something. I understand that people get busy or caught up in their day, but I make it a priority to talk to him throughout the day and so does he. The insecurity of waiting by the phone, begging for it to light up with a text, is gone now.
- I feel comfortable with him
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And when I say comfortable, I mean comfortable. The kind of comfortable where you feel free to talk about any and everything, and you can be your truest self without feeling insecure or like you’re being judged. It’s easy to say you feel comfortable with someone, but do you really? Are there things you keep to yourself for fear of being mocked or laughed at? The answer to both of those questions should be no, and if it isn’t, then you should reevaluate. I have never been so comfortable with a person like how I am now with my boyfriend, and it’s wild to me how fast it happened. There was never really an awkward phase between us; I felt comfortable with him from the start. I’ve told my mom on multiple occasions, “He’s like me, but in boy form,” and I 100% believe that. We think the same things and laugh at the same things, and it makes me feel, well, comfortable. He’s seen me at my worst, my ugliest, but hasn’t withdrawn at all. Instead, he does nothing but show me he cares for me, and I love that kind of reassurance in a relationship.
- He knows me better than anyone
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The guy who takes the time to get to know you on all levels is the guy who will treat you right and love you like no other. When I’m feeling sad or nervous, he knows, and he asks me what’s wrong. No one, except maybe my mom, has ever been able to tell when I’m feeling a certain way and it amazes me because no one has ever taken the time to figure me out in that way. It’s like he actually wants to know me and know what makes me tick, and that’s something I’ve never experienced before. I think most guys don’t care enough to ask those questions or notice the smallest change in personality or body language, and it’s strange—in a good way—to be with someone who does. But not only is he able to notice when something’s wrong, he’s able to make me feel better. Somehow he knows if I need a good laugh or if I just need a big hug and it’s astonishing; I swear it’s his superpower.
- He supports me
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Having someone who is always there for you no matter what, someone you can trust to always have your back, is one of the best feelings in the world. In past relationships I felt alone, like we were two people doing our own separate things who saw each other every now and then, but that’s not how a relationship should be. Relationships are like partnerships, as cliche as that is, and I finally feel like I understand what that means now. No matter what I’m going through, whether it’s stress over school, problems in friendships or pursuing what interests me, he supports me. When I’m feeling down, he’s a shoulder to lean on. He pushes me to be the best person I can be, just as I do with him, and I know that he genuinely cares. I remember when we first met each other after talking for a few months, I asked him what he liked most about me and he said it was how smart I am, something no guy had ever told me before, and I just about cried. I know that I’m a smart, capable woman, but to hear it from someone so important to me meant so much, and I’ll never forget that.
- He prioritizes me
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I can’t emphasize enough how important this one is. If your partner doesn’t put you first, do yourself a favor and move on because it’s not worth feeling like a second choice. The days of being left behind are over for me, and I couldn’t be happier. Similar to the 50/50 point I made before, you shouldn’t be left in the dark when it comes to seeing each other or communication, and you definitely shouldn’t have to beg for the attention that you deserve. My current relationship is night and day from my past ones in the best ways possible; I feel comfortable, wanted and important, which are things I can’t say I truly felt before. With these feelings comes a deeper sense of trust and reliance in the other, which strengthens the relationship even further. We make plans for the future so I never have to worry about when the next time I see him will be or if there even will be a next time. He never leaves me hanging or guessing, which is something I really appreciate.
These traits are just the beginning when it comes to defining a healthy, stable relationship, but they’re what stick out the most to me when I think about my relationship. It’s important to realize your worth and stick up for what you want in a relationship, because settling for someone less than what you deserve is just that: not what you deserve. There comes a point where you have to open your eyes and see those red flags you’ve been ignoring, or else you’ll end up extending something that shouldn’t last. Settling may be easy, but it’s not healthy.