I’ll spare the lies and let you all know it hurts my heart thinking about writing this. However, I think it’s important to talk about it because I know I’m not the only person to feel this way. I came into college two and a half years ago, barely legally allowed to vote. Not long into that first semester, I decided it was in my best interest to graduate early, whether that was a semester or one year earlier. Little did I know that, following that decision, I would spend the next year of my academic career on Zoom.
I think a lot about if I still would have decided to graduate early if I had known that a pandemic would have taken away a third of my college experience. If I’m being honest, I still don’t know the answer. Nevertheless, here I sit today, days away from starting my last semester of college and I’m full of feelings. Many are good, and many are bittersweet. Let’s talk about them.
The thought that after this semester, my real life starts is almost suffocating. I know the reality is that my life started a long time ago. However, my adult life, where I’m supporting myself in nearly every way, is approaching at a dangerous rate. It also brings me stress because, while many have these thoughts at 22, I’m having them now at 20. I will be starting my life before anyone can ID me. Is that me throwing my life away? I don’t think so because my life isn’t ending when I graduate. Getting an early start isn’t always a bad thing, but maybe that’s the overachiever in me coming out.
It does hurt to think about what is coming to an end sooner for me than my peers, even though I made the decision to better my future. It won’t be much longer until I’m not going home every other weekend and staying for several days. This previous Christmas break will most likely have been the longest break I’ll ever have again. I feel like it sounds dramatic, but in a sense, it’s the reality of how it is. It’s tough.
As I’m about to take a step into the next stage of my life, I also reflect on what my future career will look like. Like many college seniors, I’m working towards finding a full-time job that will help me find a life of financial stability and creative expression. It’s stressful thinking about the unknown. Will a job work out for me? Will all these years of internships and work opportunities pay off? Will I enjoy the job I choose if I am fortunate enough to have more than one job offer? Having all these questions circling your head daily not only causes worry but can easily be the type of thoughts to cause you to spiral on a bad day.
It all comes back to the fear of the unknown. It’s in our nature to fear, or stress, what is to come because we don’t know what will happen. We have no clue what tomorrow could bring, nevertheless six months. I’m terrified to see what my life looks like by June. It’s so strange, though, because I’m also beyond excited.
Thinking of starting the life I’ve worked this hard for is almost like a breath of fresh air. The thought of no longer needing to stay up late working on schoolwork gives me a new sense of adrenaline, especially going into this final semester. The milestones I’m about to accomplish are things I wouldn’t have deemed possible four years ago, and I can feel the glow of success ahead of me in my path.
So, as I start my last semester, I can be nothing but grateful; for all the worries that made me work harder to get where I am today; For the multiple job opportunities my school has offered me in the last two years alone. The anxiety and heartache for what’s ahead are sharp. Though, with understanding and acceptance, I will do my best to handle each day ahead of me with grace.