Maybe it was a long day, maybe I was upset, or maybe I wasn’t in the mood to talk, but whatever it may have been, I did not mean it. I know it’s too late to take these words back, but I figured it’s time for an explanation.
Here’s the thing, for some reason, I felt guilty for making you feel guilty; you just had that much power over me. It was like it took one upset look on your face and I became selfless. Now that I look back I want to tell you that it was not okay, because I was not okay. How was that fair? It was your mistake, your fault and I felt bad?
“I don’t care”
I blame this on my ego and pride; I was too full of myself to become weak in your eyes. I did not want to become vulnerable and I definitely did not want to give you that power. Now I realize that if I had told you I had cared I wouldn’t have become less strong or less powerful, I would have simply been human. I cared; it mattered to me, and only because so did you.
I obviously was NOT fine. I had two lab reports due, 4 exams to study for, and 5 meetings just in the next couple days. I needed help, I needed a break, and most of all, I needed COFFEE! I really just wanted you to tell me you were having a tough semester too and let me know that once this week was over we could unwind and relax. I needed someone to tell me that the next exam was not going to determine my whole life. I needed you to see through my fake strength and offer some Tylenol for my headache.
If we were in a soap opera or a movie there would be dramatic music and gasps all around when I said, “I’m done.” Sadly, there wasn’t any music or any gasps, not even tears. You should know that I did not mean I was done with the conversation or with that situation, but I meant I was done with everything; every single thing that was happening was unnecessary and I did not want anything to do with it anymore. I was tired of it.
“Leave me alone”
I actually regret saying this one; I should have just said it like I meant it. If I did, then I would have said, “Fight for me”. Obviously, I was too full of myself (again) and overthinking the situation, that led me to my harsh words. I never wanted you to walk away, I wanted you to stop my hasty decision and tell me to talk it through with you. I always wondered why you gave up so easily, but can’t blame you because it’s actually my fault.
“I don’t want to talk about it”
I can understand why you actually listened when I said those words, because sometimes I really do NOT want to talk about it, like if I received a bad grade on an assignment or an exam, but that time I really did not want you to stop the conversation. If you had just asked one more time what was wrong I would have put my phone down and started ranting, but you didn’t. You put your headphones back in your ears and said “okay”. So I said okay, and went on with my day.
People say things are not always as they seem, but in contrast to this saying, they can be. So, don’t be me! Say what you mean, and mean what you say, because it’s truly just better that way.