Growing up in a world with Eurocentric beauty standards is very difficult for women of color and black women in particular. Black women are told that their features are undesirable from a very young age, and they learn very quickly that their hair, lips, nose, skin color and body shape are not something that all people will find appealing. Things have changed as the years have progressed, and society is beginning to embrace the features that black women possess, but dating as a black woman can still be very difficult due to the anti-blackness that is ingrained in society.
Throughout my life, I’ve frequently heard people express that they would not be willing to date a black woman because they “can’t handle their attitude” or because they find them unattractive. I’ve even heard many black men say this, and the comments always feel especially hurtful. Hearing things like this have made me and many other black women have to question whether many of the people we find ourselves attracted to would even be interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with us before we express our interest in them. There were times that I even found myself on dating apps considering whether or not a particular person looks like they’d even be open to dating a black woman before I swiped right.
As the amount of representation black women got in media increased, more people began to recognize that one does not have to adhere to Eurocentric beauty standards to be attractive. This meant that more people were open to dating black women, but it also meant that a lot of people’s intentions behind dating black women were not completely pure. There are many people who find black women sexually attractive without actually respecting them as a person. They fetishize black women and just see them as a sexual object that they want to flaunt to their friends, and they do not truly view them as someone they could have as a long-term partner. I’ve heard many people say that they “need to get themselves a black girl,” as if black women are just something they can collect and use as they please. This is problematic, and oftentimes people who fetishize black women are just looking for short-term fulfillment, and after they get to experience being with a black woman, they’re ready to discard them at a moment’s notice.
Another element that impacts many black women’s ability to date is colorism. There are a lot of people who find black women of lighter skin tones attractive but find darker-skinned women unattractive. Since lighter-skinned people are perceived by society as closer to being white, and they typically have less noticeable Afrocentric features, there are some people that find them attractive but still find women of darker tones unattractive. This is rooted in anti-blackness, and many darker-skinned black women to have a much harder time finding partners because of colorism.
Interracial dating is becoming more common as time goes on, but this also has its obstacles for black women. There are many non-black men who are attracted to black women but their political or social beliefs reveal that they do not truly care about black people. So before a black woman can date outside of her race, she typically has to check to ensure the person shares her political or social beliefs, and if she chooses not to, she normally finds out the truth the hard way later down the line. Some people of other races also have families that do not approve of them dating outside of their race or dating a black woman in particular, so some black women also have to ensure harassment from their partner’s families due to their race. Racist family members are the reason that some people that are interested in black women are unwilling to enter into a serious relationship with them as well, and this limits the pool of people black women have to choose from even further.
As a black woman, navigating the dating scene has not always been easy. People need to recognize the way in which anti-blackness and racism are ingrained in our society so that people like me don’t have to consider how something we have no control over, like our race, many impact our ability to cultivate a relationship.
