A few weeks ago, videos started popping up on my TikTok For You Page of girlfriends asking their boyfriends how often they thought about the Roman Empire. It was honestly hilarious to see how most of their answers ranged from every few weeks to years. Pretty soon, other women started making their own videos of their Roman Empires. The many responses to the question “What’s the female version of the Roman Empire” garnered answers ranging from the iconic yellow dress moment in How To Lose a Guy in Ten Days to scenarios of getting kidnapped. Below, I’ve decided to delve deep into what my Roman Empires are and rank them in importance.
- My Hair
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At some point during quarantine, I started losing massive amounts of hair. Naturally, I started freaking out. One day, I got a video about alopecia on my TikTok For You Page and instantly attributed it to being a sign of me getting it. The true cause of my hair loss was due to me being lazy and not brushing it out. Not to mention, there was a literal pandemic at the time. But I will never forget the amount of pictures I took of my hairline and the amount of people I asked to see if it looked like I was balding.
Even now I still get frustrated with my hair not because of my fear of balding, but because of the amount of products I have to put in it to maintain the wave pattern. And even then, my hair still looks ugly to me on most days. The amount of times I contemplate shaving my head when dealing with my hair needs to be studied by a clinician.
- Mamma Mia
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Mamma Mia is my all-time favorite movie. From the plot to the soundtrack to the characters, everything about it is perfect. As I get older, my mind consistently goes back to the scene where Sophie’s mom helps her get ready for her wedding. The emotion and nostalgia attached to that one scene do it for me every time.
And yes, I know that Sophie could’ve simply gotten a paternity test, but have you considered the impact of Meryl Strep’s scarf dramatically flying as she belts out “The Winner Takes It All” to her former lover? Exactly.
- The 100
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Everyone likes talking about how Game of Thrones is the number one example of a show finale being executed awfully, but no one talks about The 100. I first started watching the show when I was in eighth grade and finished the last season during my junior year of high school.
The first four seasons? A masterpiece. An actual show that had so much potential. The seasons after that? We don’t talk about it. We don’t talk about how I was robbed of the greatest slow-burn couple of all time at the end of the show.
- Getting Kidnapped
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I feel like you don’t experience girlhood until you are alone in a parking lot and practically leaping into your driver’s seat because there’s the possibility that someone may be under your car waiting to cut your Achille’s heel to immobilize you.
My mind always drifts back to that one Criminal Minds episode where they discuss the characteristics of the perfect kidnapping victim.
- Kidney Failure
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Every single time I’m laying in bed, all comfy and cozy, and I get the sudden urge to pee I literally want to strangle myself. And then I get a cold sweat at the fact that kidney failure is a real thing that happens to people who hold their pee in for too long (I’m people) and I’m running to the bathroom.
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I made my Pinterest account when I was in middle school and since then it’s gone through some changes. It’s literally my lifeline at this point. When things go wrong in my life, I just make a cute, aesthetically pleasing mood board and just stare at it. I even wrote my college essay on it. Nothing can come between a girl and her Pinterest boards.