So before anyone flips out and compares the withholding of free, romantic dinners to cruel and unusual punishment, let me explain. That statement is not entirely true. He has bought me dinner for birthdays and special occasions, but it always comes down to it being because I would do the same for him.
Two years ago when we met, he asked me out to dinner. I got pizza fries and a shake, he got a burger and porter. When the waitress came and asked if we were ready to pay, the moment of truth was revealed; he asked for separate checks.
I was not offended, annoyed or shocked. I was flattered that he had picked me, out of all the other women at VCU, to enjoy a dinner and conversation with. As far as I was concerned, this was a meal and good company, and I got exactly that. I was not expecting anything further.
Valentine’s Day has come and gone, I have seen a lot of confused and disappointed people, both single and taken, with their conflicted expectations of what it means to be “dating” someone. Do they pay? Do they send me goodnight texts every night? At what point do we move in together? These are all good questions, and I am fully confident that the answer depends on each couple individually. We are a confused dating culture that expects the man to be fully on board with your independence, but are offended when he doesn’t hold open the door for you. There is nothing wrong with chivalry, it is a tradition I do not hope to see go quite yet. But understand where your disappointment in the dating world comes from and how that relates to your modern romantic life.
In college, while we’d like someone to Netflix and chill with (read: go on hikes and eat pizza with, play Xbox and order Red Eye with, etc.), we also are growing and maturing at this age and we also simply can’t all dedicate ourselves to time-consuming old-fashioned dating. At the same time, we are humans who long for meaningful relationships and may or may not accidentally develop feelings for people we weren’t supposed to. Some are conflicted with old-fashioned dating traditions we’ve been raised with or seen in the movies. For example, if he loves you, he’d text you first. If he doesn’t offer to pay, that means he’s not attracted to you or that he’s broke (which shouldn’t matter if you ask me – we’re all in college, you should give leeway to the man who isn’t so quick to cover your tab). Between this and our freaky new-found independence and providing for ourselves emotionally and financially, things can get stressful.
The bottom line is, in a culture that relies on Tinder but can mock gender equality, our expectations of dating has us all confused. Through dating trial and error, I have found myself perfectly content and balanced on the split checks me and bae get. If I want to surprise him, I’ll bring him something to eat. If I’m in between jobs, he’ll spot me for our sushi date. It always comes down to complete equality and reevaluating your expectations. It has nothing to do with him being the guy and me being the girl. Yes, my father probably courted my mother by walking on the right side of the street and paying for her dinner and drinks because he was the man and she was the woman, and that’s simply how it worked back then. Today we are different. We have questioned gender roles and we have questioned our feelings for our hook-up buddies. Confusion and feelings are okay, especially as a result of all this input on what a relationship “should” be. Ideally, we should be motivated out of respect and warm fuzzy feelings for our partners, not for the #relationshipgoals Instagram pic or to make your ex jealous on your Snapchat story. Not because “that’s the way it’s always been,” but for the chemistry between you two alone.
I understand that relationships are not all the same, and some men like being the providers and some women don’t mind being paid for. It simply breaks my heart to witness confusion and dissonance in the dating world, where women know they don’t need to financially rely on men for dates and that they are strong and independent at the same day, but we still have some built up expectations of what a relationship should be.
I would encourage any couple, old and new, to find their groove and discuss expectations. This isn’t about throwing chivalry out the window, this is about mutual understanding and respect. At the end of the day, that’s what dating is all about.