This time last year, freshman me was walking. Walking to class, walking along to get something to eat at Shafer court and walking over to meet my “friends” that I met at orientation. Freshman me was also tempted to go back into the arms of my ex-boyfriend, also an incoming freshman. Scared, uncomfortable with the new friends I made, and longing for something oddly familiar, I walked back into the trap. At the time, I felt like going back to him was the only thing that felt right because everything felt weird. New dorm, new living situation in which my space is shared with a more beautiful, artsy version of someone my age. I was thin from stress and tanned from the summer sun. I ended up laying down in the grass with the lion and thought it was all going to turn out absolutely fine. We spent all day together because I didn’t have any other friends that I liked to hang out with. He barely made time for me, but somehow I felt like he really did. I was blinded by unhappiness and general discomfort, and ended up feeling around in the dark instead of looking towards the light. It’s hard to be enlightened during such odd times, such as going away to college for the first time. I never did well with new situations and changes.
Fall came and my tan faded, and again I was swept up in the curling wind and leaves of the season. I got a job as a hostess downtown and got him to walk me to work because I was scared. Me in my fur coat, skipping down the frozen sidewalk, always a bright smile on my face as I leaned in for a hug. I still couldn’t see very well. I thought I was the happiest girl in the world. We went to a chic barn wedding in Fredericksburg and talked about getting hitched in Paris or Marseilles.
A couple months later, I ended up abandoned again, in the dead of winter, shedding steaming tears on my silk pillowcase. I was left with the Valentine’s Day gift that I had made extremely early – a painted heart engraved with our names in a rich gold. I started to look inside myself, and I saw what I needed to notice all along.
I hadn’t taken care of myself. I hadn’t put myself first and crafted my life how it should have been created. I ignored my internal needs and drifted back into toxicity that kept me from discovering more about myself. I see freshman me over on a bench, laughing and smiling. If only I could walk up to her and whisper in her ear that she does not need a man to be happy and she never will. Spend your college years with yourself and don’t let anybody get in the way between you and yourself. There is so much to see, so many people to meet and so much to learn about yourself and all you are capable of.
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