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Gay, straight, bi and everything in between, we can all agree that dating in college can be a nightmare.  But dating for a demisexual carries it own bag of unique problems that most sexualities don’t have to face. I, being a demisexual and an unlicensed love guru, have kindly taken it upon myself to explain the ins and outs and the yes’s and no’s that I’ve learned about demisexuality in my 19 years of being alive on this green Earth. 

Are you a demisexual looking for tips? Does your potential significant other identify as demisexual or could possibly be demisexual?  Or perhaps you, yourself, are a questioning demisexual hoping to learn more about it? Or perhaps you’re just a confused Demi Lovato fan who clicked on this link by mistake? Whatever the case may be, this following article will be providing five key tips to dating as a demisexual. 

There is, unfortunately, still a severe lack of Demi Lovato though.

First things first, for all of the confused jellybeans reading this, what is demisexuality?  Falling on the asexuality spectrum, demisexuals do not experience sexual attraction unless they build a strong emotional connection first. What consists of a “strong, emotional” connection? Well, it depends on who you talk to. According to asexuality.org, demisexuality is a different experience for everyone.   Some people are repulsed by sex, but others are not.  Some people masturbate and others do not. Honestly, it depends on the person.

 Demisexuality is also commonly confused with celibacy or abstinence. As opposed to both of these, which are purposeful decisions that can be made and changed at any time, I cannot change my sexuality. Demisexuals usually don’t physically feel any sexual attraction to partners without that emotional connection in play. However, demisexuality is not the same for everyone. 

A common question that demisexuals, and most asexual people in general, will get is “So does that mean you don’t find anyone attractive?”  Personally I like to compare it to that a quote from Kevin Malone on “The Office”. 

“I think a painting is beautiful, but I don’t want to bang a painting,” 

Sometimes, finding someone physically appealing isn’t enough for sexual attraction. 

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1. Don’t Be Scared To Say No To Sex

Don’t feel pressure from your significant other to commit to sex if you’re not ready.   If you want a deeper emotional connection before you two start doing the pelvis dance, let them know. And if they still keep pressuring you, drop them like a hot Pop-Tart on a cold kitchen floor. 

2. If You Don’t Want To Come Out, You Don’t Have To

Usually coming out as demisexual is met with a barrage of rude, dismissive questions.

“Doesn’t everyone need an emotional connection for sex?”

“Isn’t that just you wanting to be special?”

“Is there something wrong with you? Like medically?

Often demisexuals are written off and cast aside into the pile of other forgotten “fake” sexualities. Either people accused demisexuals of trying too hard to stand out or call them “holier than thou” prudes looking to give people blue balls (or labia, I don’t discriminate). So it’s completely understandable not wanting to come out as demisexual out of that fear of backlash.   As nice as labels are when identifying and learning more about your sexuality at the end of the day, it is just a label. And if you don’t feel comfortable with labeling yourself just yet, it’s fine.  There’s no rush.

 

3. Don’t Feel Guilty

Do not, I repeat, do not let someone, including yourself, make you feel guilty for your own feelings. It is your body and who you choose have all up on it is your business. There is nothing wrong with demisexual people, biologically, mentally or sexually and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. We cannot control whom we are attracted to.  Just because you’d probably choose a cookie over an orgasm doesn’t make you broken or less than.  Your feelings are valid. Your sexuality is valid. You are valid. 

4. Communication is Key

Never forget the 3 C’s. Communication, communication and cabbage. Just kidding, it’s communication. Be clear even if your feelings are unclear. Letting your partner know your boundaries physically and emotionally is important to a healthy functional relationship.

If you’re down for kissing but not down on “going down,” tell them.

If you’re down for oral but not down for anal, tell them.

If you’re not down for anything sexual period, tell them.

5. Don’t Let Haters Dull Your Shine

A common stereotype attached to demisexuality is “prudishness.” But, like most stereotypes, this is not a universal truth. Too many times I’ve heard demisexuals tuning down their own sex appeal for fear of attracting unwanted sexual advances or not living up to that virginal stereotype.

You don’t have to do that. Just because you’re demisexual doesn’t mean you have to walk around in a beige cardigan and a chastity belt.

Unless you feel sexy in a beige cardigan and a chastity belt, who am I to judge?

Dress in whatever makes you feel comfortable and/ or sexy.  And whether that is a pair of stilettos and red lipstick or a pair of khakis and a sweater, then work it b*tch.

And there you have it, five tips to make dating in the demisexual world just a tiny bit easier. Communicate efficiently and be yourself. <3 <3 

 

Arianna Coghill is a Print and Online Journalism major in her junior year at Virginia Commonwealth University. She's a huge fan of Tracee Ellis Ross, the Harry Potter series and thinly veiling her insecurities under a layer of sarcasm. She misses the oxford comma dearly and can usually be found writing and/ or binge watching various sci-fi television shows. #blacklivesmatter
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