Over the course of the upcoming holiday season, you may find yourself facing off against that one relative who insists on spouting problematic remarks at the Thanksgiving dinner table each year. Perhaps you’ve always fought back, or perhaps you feel convicted to finally speak out this time around. Either way, it’s vital to know what to expect and how to react so that you can successfully shut down whichever discriminatory comments are thrown your way. Here are 10 ways to deal with those problematic family members on turkey day.
1. Be prepared
If you know that your racist uncle is going to try to cause a scene, be ready for it. Prepare a few talking points, gather sources that reinforce your ideas and have a game plan ready just in case all hell breaks loose. Strategizing ahead of time will not only boost your confidence, but it will also make you more appear more level-headed and less reactive during your future discussion. Reading this article is also a wise place to start.
2. Set boundaries
Know your limits. If there are certain topics that you aren’t comfortable discussing at dinner in front of relatives you barely know, then don’t feel like you have to. Let your Trump-supporting grandma know that you’d be happy to inform her why you believe that immigrants are human beings at a later date, but that yelling at each other across the dinner table isn’t really how you’d like to spend your Thanksgiving.
3. Recognize that everyone has to start somewhere
Remember that bigotry is learned. Chances are, you too were once just as ignorant as whichever relative you’re dreading to see over the holidays. Keep this in mind when you criticize their beliefs. Expect them to use it against you during your argument, but surprise them by spinning it to show that if you can become woke, so can they.
4. Choose your battles
There are people who argue with the goal of becoming more educated, and there are people who argue solely for the sake of starting a fight. Know which category your family member falls into, and if it’s the latter, don’t grant them the satisfaction of a reaction.
5. Don’t make excuses for their behavior
Despite the truth of tip number three, there are simply no valid excuses for prejudiced behavior. While it’s important to understand why your relative thinks the way they think, so that you can appropriately navigate the conversation, it’s even more imperative to understand that nothing they’ve experienced will justify their racism, sexism, homophobia, etc.
6. Let them know that what they’re saying bothers you
At best, this will open the door to a meaningful discussion. At worst, this will at least alert the rest of your family that you’re uncomfortable with the bigoted remarks that your homophobic cousin is spewing.
7. Be willing to educate them
Recognize that you may be the only woke person your relative will come into contact with for a while. Take advantage of this opportunity; your efforts to educate them just might be successful.
8. Stay calm
This step is much easier said than done. Obviously, many political subjects are also personal ones, and will likely garner emotional responses from those involved in the discussion. While this is completely valid, especially if you fall into one of the minority categories your family member is bashing, lashing out during a political argument won’t do much to help you win. In fact, your problematic relative may perceive this as you attacking them and will consequently either amp up the hatred or shut down entirely.
9. Know when to walk away
Being a partially preventative measure, this step goes hand-in-hand with tip number two. Decide ahead of time what you will and won’t tolerate from your racist relative. If they can’t seem to stay on topic, or their attacks start to become personal, you may want to consider walking away and resuming the conversation later.
10. Talk to other relatives about the problem
Hopefully, you have at least one family member that doesn’t partake in provoking you with problematic comments every chance they get. Confide in your mom about the issues you’ve been experiencing with your sexist grandpa. Ask her to speak to him separately or back you up in the next argument. Having someone on your side is always a helpful advantage.
These methods may not be fool-proof, but they’re definitely a good start. Tailor them to your situation as you see fit. Good luck and happy holidays!
Photo credits: Cover photo by Chelsea Schmidt, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10