This week’s recap is gonna be short and sweet, y’all, cause nothing happened. The episode was only an hour long, which for the “Bachelor” world is nothing. Well, technically stuff happened, but nothing really as dramatic as Corinne trying to seduce Nick Viall in his hotel room or Jasmine trying to put Nick in a “chokie.”
The Return of Andi
The mysterious brunette coming to knock on Nick’s door is none other than his ex, Andi Dorfman! Andi has appeared to give Nick some advice on the Fantasy Suites. This is essentially a set-up to get Nick to apologize to Andi for slut-shaming her on her season’s After the Rose special. Her big advice is that he is an adult and he can do whatever he thinks is right in each relationship. If being intimate is what’s right, then go for it. AKA “it’s your body, you can do whatever you want with it, no one should judge you for it, LIKE YOU DID TO ME.” He apologizes, but it’s awkward as all hell and pretty weak.
The End of Corinne
At last. The moment has finally come. Sydney and I screamed for joy when Corinne was finally sent home. Seeing her apologize to Nick on her way out, for potentially doing anything to upset him, was sad, though. He reassured her that she did nothing wrong (except maybe try to fuck him one too many times) and says he’s going to really miss her. I think it’s the producers who are gonna miss putting together the best edits of Corinne sleeping, pushing her boobs up into the camera, and biting rose petals.
The thing about Corinne is that it’s not a bad thing to be open about your sexuality, but it’s another to focus entirely on trying to sleep with a man. I’m sure the producers spun this a lot, but she gave them something to show. It seemed hard to believe that Nick had genuine feelings for Corinne when all their interactions consisted of her trying to seduce him physically. Their relationship seemed to be built off of a physical connection entirely, and that’s why it frustrated me to see Nick choose her over people like Kristina, with whom he had discussed some very serious topics. Her final monologue is as follows:
“I’m trying to say things that men think are appropriate. And you know what? I’m done. Done! I’m done trying to show my men how much I worship them and I love them and I care for them and I support them. I need that. So, if someone feels that way about me, they can come and tell me and they can bring a ring to go along with it. I’m done trying to impress these men. I’m going to be me, and whatever happens, happens. But I will never kiss up to a man ever again in my life. I’m tired and I’m done. I want to go to sleep.”
The last shot we have of our favorite contestant that we love to hate is of her deciding she needs another nap and falling asleep right there in the limo. I mean, what else is there left to do at this point?
Finland
The final three leave behind the windy AF Brooklyn rose ceremony for the even colder, but beautiful and poetic landscape of Finland! Thank GOD no one has said “Finland seems like an amazing place to fall in love” yet. Yet.
Raven’s One on One
Raven gets the first one-on-one in Finland, and Nick’s terrible ability to describe his interactions with the women improves whenever he talks about this date with Raven. He throws in a lot of funky adjectives, like “sweet and salty,” and I think that’s his way of showing that she brings a new level of spice to his life and his vocabulary.
They hang out in a local bar, shooting darts and drinking. Nick talks about how he feels like every day with Raven is just another crazy adventure, how he can see having many more with her. Later in the evening, Nick reveals the turtle neck sweater he’s been waiting to whip out until now. It’s something that should never be seen again (like Nick, after the season finale). It made him look like he didn’t have a neck and that he was morphing into the Stay Puft fat marshmallow man from “Ghostbusters.”
Raven, however, is wearing the cutest off-the-shoulder red sweater. Werrrrrk.
She also chooses this candelit moment to profess her love for Nick in a speech from the heart. She describes how, despite being in a 2 year relationship with her previous boyfriend, she never felt safe enough to admit she loved him. She never felt that it was the real deal with him, but with Nick, she feels safe and comfortable and totally in love.
Nick doesn’t say it back, but Raven insists that she didn’t say it just to hear him say it back (which is SO important!!) She drops another big bombshell after agreeing to go to the Fantasy Suite with Nick: she’s never had an orgasm. Like, ever.
She’s only had sex with her douchey ex that cheated on her, and apparently, he was terrible in bed. Unfortunately for Raven, according to Andi’s book, Nick is pretty bad too, but hopefully being called out publically has motivated him to improve. I hope that Nick steps up to the plate and makes Raven have a genuinely great night that she so deserves.
Of the three remaining women, my vote is on Raven to win the show. Clearly, it’s not going to be Rachel, and I think Vanessa is too level-headed to take Nick’s bullshit past the end of the show. Raven is so sweet and gentle hearted that she will stay with Nick and try to help him grow into a better man. At least, I think so.
Next Week
Will Vanessa dump Nick because she can’t handle him dating three women? Will Nick remind her that this is how the show operates? Will Rachel finally tell Nick that she does love him? What crazy shiz will go down at the “Women Tell All” special next week? Will I make it through THREE HOURS of “The Bachelor” next week?!
Also, why were those post-credit shows of Nick being a “manly man” in the Finland woods necessary?