Hey y’all! I will be recapping each week’s episode of this season of “The Bachelor” staring Nick Viall, who had his heart broken not once but TWICE before on “The Bachelorette.”
I could easily spend this entire article going into detail about Corinne, a 24 year old contestant who has a nanny (aka a maid named Raquel who cooks, cleans, and does every thing imaginable for her) and has earned herself Internet notoriety already. However, I will do my best to get across the general gist of the episode, which does heavily feature Corrine. Literally, no matter what is happening, we have Corinne narrating it for us. Shout out to the “Bachelor” producers for recognizing a budding star when they spot one.
The episode begins with the cocktail party from the end of last week. Corinne is determined to win Nick’s heart with her body (yes, you read that correctly). Upset that “Liz had intercourse with Nick before me,” she strips down and heads to the party wearing only a beige trenchcoat. She lures Nick outside to a big red cushion, where she starts spraying whipped cream on her bare chest and requesting that Nick lick it off. There are a lot of gross shots of her scooping whipped cream out of his mouth with her tongue and just gross kissing. Nick seems a little uncomfortable, but he is no rush to get out of there.
Finally, Jasmine interrupts them and brings Nick back to the cocktail party. Corrine is DEVASTATED. As in, she bolts upstairs, sobbing hysterically that Nick didn’t stay with her longer. Ironically enough, on the group date in last week’s episode, she gave this grand speech about how anyone who couldn’t handle being interrupted shouldn’t be on the show. This was in response to girls complaining about her interrupting them, because she did it THREE times.
Unfortunately, she won the rose on that group date (the bridal photoshoot, where she threw off her bikini top and had Nick hold her boobs in the pool), so she knew she was safe. In the unofficial “Bachelor” handbook that Chris Harrison keeps in his coat pocket at all times, it says that all contestants must be at the rose ceremony, even if they already have roses. However, Corrine is so exhausted from crying over Nick that she just jumps into bed and goes to sleep, skipping the rose ceremony.
This is a first in “Bachelor” history, and this is the TWENTY FIRST season of the show. The ceremony goes on without her, and the only other noteworthy moment is Alexis (aka Shark Girl) exclaiming, “Move, bitches,” when her name is called.
The next morning, the Backstreet Boys surprise the women at the mansion and instruct those invited on the group date to not wear heels. It turns out to be a dance rehearsal for a concert that night, where all the women will be dancing with the band and Nick. Jasmine is a professional dancer, so she’s killing it, but poor Corrine probably couldn’t even do “the sprinkler.” She gets so self-conscious that she sprints off to the bathroom to cry more, convinced that Nick will send her home.
I don’t think that’s how the show works? Maybe if this was “America’s Got Talent,” but if it was, Corrine would only be on the show for her ability to scheme up more ways to seduce Nick.
At the live concert that night, Nick turns out to be a surprisingly decent dancer. Danielle L. is really good and has great chemistry with Nick, so she wins. Her prize is a romantic slow dance with Nick on stage, serenaded by the Backstreet Boys. It’s cute and romantic, but as they’re kissing, all we hear is Corrinne complaining that it’s “the worst day of my life.”
During the evening portion of the group date, Corrinne immediately grabs Nick, telling the viewers that she really needs his re-assurance after such a stressful day. She forgets the word “choreography,” instead calling it “planned dancing.” SMH. She offers a weak apology for skipping the rose ceremony, and after filming a confessional, she finds a couch in the restaurant to sleep on. Corrine and I have one major thing in common: we both love to sleep whenever the opportunity arises.
After sleeping off the intense “planned dancing,” she reveals to the other women that she has a nanny. Another woman asks the same question that all of us are thinking: “Do you have kids???” “No, it’s for me. It makes my nanny happy to take care of me, and I won’t deprive her of that happiness,” replies Corrine. Apparently, Raquel makes the best cheese pasta in town, and Corinne doesn’t know how to make it.
Raquel, PLEASE tell me what cheese pasta is?? Is it just another Corinne-ism that means “mac n cheese”? Raquel, please blink three times if you need us to save you from Corinne.
In other news, Danielle L. gets the rose on the group date and Vanessa goes on the one-on-one with Nick. They take an airplane that lets them experience Zero G, and Vanessa gets super sick. Nick comforts her and insists that she “still tastes fine” when kissing. They have dinner at the top of the tallest building in LA, and you can see how much Nick is actually starting to care for Vanessa when he tears up talking to her. Without Corinne’s high voice complaining over the action, you can actually appreciate the sincere connection forming between Nick and Vanessa, who shares that her grandfather passed just weeks before coming on the show.
The second group date is a “Nickatholon,” where the women have to do various track and field challenges. It’s hosted by Olympic athletes Carl Lewis, Michele Carter and Allyson Felix, who pick a final three to do a final dash competition. They have to grab an oversized plastic ring and beat the others to a hot tub, where Nick is standing seductively. In the efforts to get the ring, it’s broken but Astrid carries the pieces to Nick, winning the challenge. After soaking in the hot tub for a bit, they join the others for an evening portion of the group date.
Dominique, who has been the substitute Corinne for this date (aka complaining constantly to the cameras about not getting enough time with Nick), breaks down. She decides to confront Nick and tell him that he’s not giving her a fair chance. He seems entirely perplexed by this, insisting that he was trying to spend time with her on the date, but she doesn’t see it that way. She tells him that she doesn’t want to waste her time here, and that’s the moment I knew she was going home. Telling the Bachelor that you’re frustrated by his inability to spend enough time with you when he is juggling seventeen women is just NOT realistic. Naturally, Nick says he doesn’t want to string her along and sends her home in the middle of the group date.
Rachel, who got the first impression rose the first night, is gifted the group date rose.
The next day, there is a pool party, and another day means another scheme from Corinne. This time, she gets an inflatable bounce house to sneak off into with Nick. All the women are wondering where Nick went, so they go searching and find Corinne straddling him in the bounce house. It’s one thing for Corinne to be doing crazy antics, but it’s adding insult to injury that Nick is letting her get away with it AND encouraging it, in a way.
The episode ends with the women, one by one, beginning to confront Nick about Corinne. He’s not really seeming to care that much until Vanessa, who he’d gone on the one-on-one with, pulls him aside. She really gets him when she says, “I’m not judging Corinne. I’m judging your actions,” and says that it’s not clear if “you’re looking for a wife or a fuck thing.”
FOUR FOR YOU, VANESSA. YOU GO, VANESSA.
Alas, that brings us to the cliffhanger for next week’s episode. Will Nick realize that he’s enabling Corinne and insulting the other women by doing so? Will Corinne leave because the other women start attacking her? Will Rachel and Vanessa continue to form the most genuine relationships with Nick? And WHERE, oh WHERE did Danielle M. go???