Do you ever just have weird moments of self-reflection that cause you to suddenly realize some deep personality flaw you have? No, just me? Well, anyways.
Over winter break, I ended up spending an extended period of time talking with some friends about our relationship drama. You know, pretty standard, stereotypical stuff about crushes and exes and all of that. But in the middle of the conversation, I had an epiphany that honestly kind of changed my life forever.
I was telling a story from over the summer, when I realized that I have trouble expressing interest in people before I know how interested they are in me. For example, when it comes to dating, I can never make the first move, to the point where I will make an effort to hide any interest I have in someone at all costs until I’m confident they like me back. It’s not like I’m not friendly, I just never want to give myself away and risk my heart shattering into millions of pieces. Which, to be fair, my heart usually breaks anyways, so this never really works out for me. Because what guy is going to ask out a girl who doesn’t seem interested at all?
That may seem like a relatively normal thing, but when I think about how much this has messed with not only my love life, but my life in general, it starts to get bad. I get so self-conscious about whether or not my friends actually like me, to the point where many of my best friends on campus are the people who were really excited to get to know me from the get go. Pretty early on in our friendship, Liz talked about having me as a bridesmaid. When we first met, I didn’t think my little, Elissa, liked me enough to choose me as her big, despite the fact that she gave me the biggest hugs ever and came to my big’s birthday party. You can see a theme with me here.
All in all, after said friends and I discussed this for a little while, I came to this conclusion. In general, we shouldn’t be afraid to show people that we care. Sure, it’s scary, and you may face rejection, but hey, at least then you can say you tried, and it’s arguably a better result than not having done anything at all. I promised myself that from here on out, I will (try) to flirt with boys, and be more confident when making new friends. I’ll say hi more when I pass acquaintances on the way to class, and invite more people out to hang out, because I am, in fact, an extrovert who thrives on human interaction. So if you ever see me in person, know that I am ready to enthusiastically be your friend.