A blackened eye, a bruised lip, and a sore arm, alongside a racing mind and deathly slow-paced heart to start the day. Lipstick to cover the lip. Sunglasses to cover the eye. Excuses to cover the truth. In a world where abuse is as normal to you as drinking coffee, I advise you not to abuse yourself.
Not all domestic violence relationships will sound like the one above, but two years ago that was mine. Actually, abuse was something I was accustomed to way before that relationship even began. As a fist to the face, high heels to the skull, bats to the head, belts and belt buckles breaking multiple layers of skin were considered “whooping”. Being locked in an empty room with just a blanket and pillow were considered “punishment”. Molestation was manipulated into a friendship. A constant reminder of my mistakes where considered “tough love.”
I transformed from that little girl who suppressed all of her pain into a young woman who was ignorant of what love looked like. I met this boy who was charming and handsome, and during our dating phase I hurt his feelings, but he stayed. I was convinced this was love because I was used to being abandoned or repercussions when I messed up, but they were soon to come. He manipulated love and forgiveness for all of his wrongs by bringing up my mistakes, which made me feel as if I had to stay. This later progressed into me fighting for respect and control that I never had to begin with. Verbal fights lead to physical fights, which led to me fighting for my life. Although I felt as if I could deal with the physical pain, the mental and emotional abuse was a facsimile of my childhood.
You know that saying “sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt?”. Well, I call bullshit. Sticks and stones CAN break your bones, but words can linger slowly and kill you like an unknown cancer if you don’t acknowledge the pain it brings and heal from it. Words can resonate so deep within to the point that they become words you say to yourself subconsciously even after you have left your abuser. For example, my mother said something to me when I was younger that I would never forget, “I give you enough rope to hang yourself to hang yourself and you always do”. In that moment, I was crushed she basically told me that I was a failure and she knew it, she was anticipating it. Years later that phrase felt like a memory, but I was subconsciously considering that phrase before I did anything, so when my ex called me a failure and sexually assaulted me, I reverted into that little girl again. I entered an internal oblivion, cutting myself just to see if I would bleed if I could feel pain.
I eventually was free from the physical harm of my ex, just as I was from my mother, but their words continued to strangle my heart and my mind. And sometimes they still do. I doubt myself a lot and I constantly have to tell myself that their words aren’t true. I say all of this to advise you that if you are in a domestic violent relationship don’t abuse yourself, don’t think just because you are free you are fine. That just because your bones, skin, and bruises are healed that your heart is healed as well. Seek help and don’t hold it in. Find out what love really is and then love yourself.
I just want you to know all of those bad things that have been said to you are LIES. Here is the truth:
You are beautiful, you are magnificent and elegance radiates from your pores. You are a CONQUEROR. You are intelligent and you contain all of the attributes the world and the universe need to progress. Your light is necessary, you are necessary.