Gather around, it’s story time with Asia!
Once a upon a time there was this girl who survived not one, but TWO toxic relationships! It started way back when (I won’t put a time period on this). I’ve always been the type of girl who liked the bad boy. Not because I got a thrill out of danger or because it was something attractive about a guy being sent to the principal’s office. No, I like to believe it’s because I’m truly a mom at heart and I just want to see people do better. Anyways, I met a guy, a bad guy obviously, and I tried my best to fix him (this is where I messed up). We got into this relationship and things were going well until they weren’t. He was changing his ways. Doing better in class. Not getting sent home. He even learned to control his anger. However, while he was going through changes, so was I. I hadn’t noticed the signs of a toxic relationship at the time, I was just a smitten kitten over the boy. On the other hand, the people that love me (friends and family) saw it from the very beginning. I started losing focus on my academics. I started to become angry with everyone and everything. I stopped eating, I stopped being me. I was truly unhappy, in fact, so unhappy that I became depressed and slightly suicidal. Now, this wasn’t completely my fault but I’m not blaming it all on him either. He was verbally and emotionally abusive (this is what led to my depression) and for some reason, I thought this would change. I thought, “give him time he’ll change.” WRONG! I realized too late, once I had truly lost any trace of the sweet innocent girl I was, that he wasn’t going to change and that I had to get out of there as soon as possible.
Leaving someone is not easy, especially when you’re young and in love. I thought my world would end and I would never find another guy ever (another side effect of being in a toxic relationship). But, I was wrong. I got out of that relationship and learned how to love myself. But, that didn’t last long because I found myself in yet another toxic relationship. It happened very much the same way the first one happened, the only difference here was this guy actually loved me and was not at all verbally or emotionally abusive. He was just damaged and I shouldn’t have tried to save him.
SO, you’ve got the backstories, here’s the real tea.
How did I realize I was in a toxic relationship?
I didn’t at first. Like I said before, I thought I was in love. I thought love was supposed to hurt. I thought it wasn’t supposed to be easy. It wasn’t until I got out of the first relationship that I realized that the relationship I was in was not a healthy one, in fact, it cost me my best friend at the time and it almost cost me my life. As for the second one, it wasn’t until I noticed signs from the first relationship in the second one.
What are the signs?
Well, there are many and every relationship isn’t the same (toxic or not) but there were key things in both relationships that made me realize I was in one. Here are a few things that I realized put me in this category:
- All take, no give/Feeling drained: Both relationships were energy drainers. It took so much out of me to try to help both of those guys and they didn’t give me any replenishment of energy in return.
- Lack of trust: There was no trust in both of my relationships. It hadn’t started that way for me though. Things happened and trusting either guy was not in the picture anymore.
- Hostile relationship: Constant anger was a thing in the first relationship, there was never a good day. In the second relationship, things didn’t get that way until the end.
- Negativity/Drama: Such a constant in both relationships. It makes me wonder why I put up with that mess.
- Control Issues: THIS IS A RED-LIGHT PEOPLE! When someone shows you signs that they are controlling please take them seriously and get out!
- Diminishing self-worth: My self-confidence and esteem was trash in the first relationship. There was never a time I valued myself while in that relationship and he did not help with trying to build me up instead he smashed everything I was into pieces. That left me completely damaged after that relationship and when I got into the second he tried his best to put me back together. He did his best but I didn’t try hard enough myself and so I still suffer from that from time to time.
- Lowers your high standards: This can’t be more accurate. I have watched all of the men around me in my life, my father, uncles, older cousins, they are all respectable men and at one point in my life, I said whoever I marry or date should be like them. I don’t know why strayed away from that. I lowered my standards drastically for both of those guys and it’s no one’s fault but my own. Please don’t ever lower your standards it’s not worth it.
There are a million other signs but that would make this post longer than what it already is. I’m almost done though.
So how did I survive? What did I do to get back to me?
After each relationship, I tried going back to the things I loved to do:
- Hobbies: cooking, reading, sleeping. I had lost so much weight in the first relationship that I literally went from being a size 10 to a size 6. If that relationship would have continued I’d be skin and bones. I got back into losing myself in books. I could escape my life even for just a little while and live someone else’s and feel different emotions that weren’t my own.
- Talk about it: I had the help of my friends of course. Talking through it with someone really does help.
- Cry it out: It’s okay to cry. Get it out and then move on.
- If necessary, block the MFer: Block that person’s number and if they happen to be a stalker get a new one and only give it out to the people who NEED it.
- Practice self-love: However this may work for you do it. Get comfortable with your body. Walk around naked. Look at yourself and realize you’re beautiful. Wear crop tops and booty shorts, whatever makes you happy.
- Go on adventures: I hadn’t realized it but doing spontaneous things can take your mind off of a lot. I think that going Skydiving and also taking a trip across the country to the Grand Canyon and then hiking it was what I needed to help me realize I can live. I don’t need anyone’s permission and I can do it alone.
- Take on a new hobby: If your old ones aren’t doing it for you, do something new. I am currently still working on self-improvement so my new hobbies I’m thinking of starting are mediation and boxing/self-defense (not as a sport though).
If you find yourself in a similar situation please, if possible, try to fight your way out of it. No one deserves to be in a toxic relationship. THE END.
-HCXO