We all can remember when we made our first friend. For some, it was hanging out on the playground and asking someone to play tag. Or it was sitting next to someone on your first day of second grade and they offer you a juice box. For others, it was a bit more complex – much like it was for the girls of the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (and boy, don’t we all wish we could have friends like that). But nonetheless, we all can recall our first real, true and pure friendship.
(left: me,age 5; right: Caitlin, age 3)(left: me, age 18; right: Caitlin, age 16)
My first friendship was with my neighbor, Caitlin. She was a few years younger than me, but we would always go over to each other’s houses and play. In the summers we would spend all day outside running around, swimming, and going on the tire swing. There was even one time were she acciendetlly got gum in my hair and I had to stand with part of my hair in the freezer as her mom hepled me get it out. We learend how to make PB&J’s together, tie our shoes together, and we watched each other grow. When she moved 3 hours away, I didn’t think I would ever make another friend like that again.
With this same mindset, I’ve always felt like someone who was a middler – one who can talk to anyone about anything but who really didn’t have very any friends at all. I was someone who was everyone’s friend, but who didn’t have any of my own. Although I’ve had friends growing up, none of them seemed to actually care about me. It appears we were friends just to save face, be a part of a group or the social status quo, or to even just pretend we had someone like that in our lives.
All of this seemed to have changed when I got into high school. For the first time, I felt like I had real friends. I felt that I could turn to them no matter what, even if the issue was silly and irrelevant. I felt free to express myself, and I felt confident knowing they were going to be there to have my back. This multiplied as I got older and joined into more activities. I felt like the people I was surrounding myself with were the people I was meant to be with. As senior year came and we all knew we would part ways, I started feeling like I would never make bonds in college like I had made with my high school friends. But boy was I wrong – or so I thought.
When I came to college, I immediately entered a friend group and it felt amazing. Friendships just like that had never come easy to me, and seeing myself making these connections from the beginning filled me with joy.
But with every relationship, there were hard times. Times of miscommunication, ignorance, and a lack of a sense of self. I felt like I had lost myself in these friends. I felt ashamed of things I liked and followed because they didn’t like or follow them. I even stopped talking to people I cared about because the group I was in didn’t talk to them.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not pushing the blame on the friends. I allowed myself to be so heavily influenced by them that I lost my voice. But when I gained it back, I realized how toxic these connections and bonds were. And as I made waves into new organizations and groups on campus, I realized I had to pick between these relationships- either staying friends with people who made me feel insecure and belittled or join in with new friends who made me feel happy – and I chose to be happy. I chose a friend who encourages me to grow my faith, and I chose a friend who sticks up for me. I chose a friend who supports the things I say and do and doesn’t question me or my intentions. I chose a friend that believes in me just as much as I believe in them.
I rid myself of the friends that made me feel small, or made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I rid myself of the people in my life who constantly have my name slipping out of their mouth. I rid myself of the friends who claimed to be there for me, support me, and care about me who really just were more concerned with themselves.
But in doing this, I lost friends. I lost some friends who couldn’t understand my side of the story. I lost some friends who were tired of being brought into the middle. I lost some friends who were too afraid to say anything they surrendered to the dominant ones. And in losing these friends I am only reminded that they weren’t ever truly friends in the first place.
Making the choice to release negative ties with people can be extremely challenging and anxiety fueled. But once you sit down and talk to yourself about it, you will see that it is for the better. If you ever must question whether certain people want to be your friend the answer is simple – they don’t. And as much as that is hard to swallow, taking the initiative to free yourself of them will calm your heart and allow you to make much more meaningful connections. Finding the friends you are meant to be with will make you feel like you can fully be yourself. You will go on more adventures, seek out new opportunities, committ to yourself and them, and utterly feel like an all around happier person.