There’s a strange comfort in compliance and secrecy. I’ve spent years saying “yes” to things so people wouldn’t have to get mad at “no.” I’ve endured years of pretending to forgive distressing actions so people wouldn’t waste their breath twisting the story. In exchange for my autonomy and identity, I avoided people’s outbursts like landmines. In the back of my mind, I knew I couldn’t go on this way; I shouldn’t play peacekeeper at the expense of my happiness. This year, I made some difficult decisions that changed my life.
The pandemic, as much as I’m sorry to mention it, may have been the spark that ignited my rebellion. Dramatic, I know. In 2020, I, a sixteen-year-old girl, was bored out of my mind. And this boredom led me to the internet. The internet led me to her. I met a girl online—a birthright of being Gen Z, perhaps? We talked, caught feelings for each other, and wanted to meet. However, various obstacles stood in our way: we were too young, too broke, and too far apart. Above all, I was caught up in a pacifying persona.
There’s no need to delve into my childhood trauma; we all have our fair share. Let’s just say I grew up around some people who prioritized control and judgment over care and connection. In fear of ridicule and manipulation, I pretended their actions and words never hurt me. I pretended nothing happened in my life so they couldn’t judge my choices or experiences. It’s safe to say they were blissfully unaware I was talking to a girl online and that all the ridicule and outbursts I carefully avoided would surface if I mentioned this secret relationship. But I didn’t want to keep this relationship secret forever.
This year, I finally had the means and time at my disposal. I secretly flew to spend a week with her, a person I had spoken to on the phone every day for three years. It was the best week of my life. I had never clicked so well with somebody. The return home was heartbreaking, but I had to come home before certain people realized I was missing.
After weeks of contemplation, I finally asked myself an important question: “Am I really going to let people who hurt me, people who I, quite frankly, never planned to keep in my life dictate my actions? Am I going to let them prevent me from being happy to avoid their discomfort when they never cared if they made me uncomfortable?” So, I bought another plane ticket, left behind a letter explaining everything, and spent more than two months with her over the summer break. I know not many people would agree with my actions. Thankfully, I am no longer a people pleaser.
Eventually, I had to come home to do school. It’s been weird coping, not with the severance of ties with draining individuals, but with the feeling that I’m not at home because I am away from the one person that feels like home. Now, I’m approaching my first holiday season that has ever felt free. It’s weird, liberating, and daunting. I don’t know what the future holds, but it’s undeniably mine.