A year together, 8 months apart.
My boyfriend and I have had a lot of experience over the past year with making long-distance work. You see, we live 20 minutes apart on opposite sides of the Canada-U.S. border, which means that since the border closures due to COVID-19, our relationship has quickly become much more complicated. Our story is not uncommon; there are many cross-border couples that have been separated as a result of these closures. But something unique about our relationship is that my boyfriend has never been able to cross the border into Canada due to his status in the U.S. as a DACA recipient (see my previous article, Dreamers in Quarantine, to learn more 😉). Therefore, we were already operating in what we jokingly called a “short-long-distance-relationship,” but it has honestly helped us immensely in coping during this prolonged distance.
Covid-19 restrictions on travel made it such that many couples are now learning to navigate and maintain their relationships online, which is bound to present challenges to communication. Many couples are struggling with communication right now; we are living in unprecedented times that is greatly affecting our day-to-day lives, our routines, and most importantly our mental health. So it is impossible to expect that these life changes will not reflect in our relationships. But we need to ensure that we are coping in positive ways so that we are still maintaining a healthy and mutually-fulfilling relationship. This can be difficult in long-distance relationships, especially for those who, prior to Covid-19, were not facing these challenges. So, here’s a list of 5 tips to apply to your relationship in coping with a new long-distance situation due to Covid-19:
1. Take time to focus on your own mental health.
You can’t be someone else’s 50% if you aren’t 100% yourself! Covid-19 has proven to have detrimental effects on an individual’s mental health, and we need to ensure that we are caring for ourselves first and foremost!
2. Discuss how you are feeling.
Take the time to discuss what each of you are feeling with your partner. Everyone is dealing with a lot of change right now, and it is good to check in with your partner often to understand their needs. You can even make it a fun task to keep track of how you’re feeling every day by attaching an emoji to what you felt for the majority of the given day. (For example, if I felt anxious for most of the day, I had a 😬 day!).
3. LISTEN.
Although it is important to focus on yourself, if you want to have a mutually gratifying relationship you have to actively listen to your partner. This leads to better understanding, connection, and therefore more ease in long-term communication!
4. Practice Appreciation
As a result of Covid-19 creating these long-distance situations, many couples are lacking the physical aspect of their relationship. Although physical appreciation is not the most important part of a healthy relationship (emotional and personal connection should definitely be held higher than physical attraction, for example), it is still important and beneficial to nurture each other’s confidence. A method that I have found effective is exercising these lists with my partner every day: List three…
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Things that you love about your partner.
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Of your favourite things to do with/that you have done with your partner.
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Things that you are looking forward to doing with your partner in the near or far future.
But practicing appreciation isn’t only limited between you and your partner in order to benefit your relationship. Completing a list of your three favourite parts of your own day is proven to improve overall positivity in individuals as well!
5. Practice PATIENCE
One of the hardest things we can practice is patience. We live in the era of instant-gratification, so patience is not something that most people are accustomed to. A way to do this is to focus on the things that are within your control. Oftentimes, we tend to obsess over the aspects of our lives that we cannot necessarily do anything about because it is very frustrating. This is especially common now as there are so many things out of an individual’s control since the Covid-19 outbreak. But I find that this causes unnecessary stress that leads people to become angry or overwhelmed. By taking a step back, recognizing your limits, and taking the patience to focus on the things that you are able to do to work towards your own goals in this moment, you can reduce your stress and anxiety levels. This will certainly reflect in your relationship as well.
Patience can also be required with your partner at this time. Covid-19 has led many couples to rely solely on technology for means of communication, and it is inevitable that miscommunications may happen as a result. It is very easy to misinterpret texts and tone of voice when you cannot see the other person’s facial expressions. FaceTime can be equally challenging as you cannot always sense what tone or vibe the other person is attempting to convey. When these things happen, practice patience and understanding: don’t be quick to anger or frustration and try to focus on clearer communication. Don’t be afraid to ask or tell your partner, “can you repeat/explain what you said, I didn’t understand,” or “I’m not sure if you are serious or joking because we’re on the phone, can you let me know what your tone is?” These questions may seem awkward at first, but if you practice them with your partner, you’re not only potentially preventing misunderstandings, but you are also promoting healthy communication habits!
