If you have ever been asked the infamous “why don’t you smile?” line or any of its variations then I’m sure you understand what I mean when I say that in today’s world a lot of women are expected to be nice and smile constantly.
I’m sure some of you will roll your eyes or not agree with me when I make this statement but let me tell you it’s definitely true. Sure, men are asked to smile too but not to the degree that women are.
I work in customer service, and we all know that customer service employees are expected to smile and be nice and go out of their way to make sure a customer feels good, regardless of their gender or identity.
I cannot count how many times I have been asked to smile, which is weird because I smile so much I feel like I can’t smile anymore than I already am. And yet it isn’t enough.
The same man or woman that asks me to smile because apparently I don’t look happy working my crappy part-time job will not ask the same of my male coworkers who have bigger Resting Bitch Face than I do. And by the way, who is actually genuinely happy working at a cash register anyway?
I believe that women have to pretend to be nice, happy, and content a lot more than men do, both in work and in their private lives. Yes, men are asked to smile and are expected to be happy and never sad. But usually it is women that are hounded the most about smiling.
Having to smile all the time relates to people expecting women to be nice as well. Our culture works on politeness and an image of happiness. When someone perceives that a person is neither polite nor happy they become personally offended as if that person’s mood is meant to hurt them.
Even if I stub my toe, or got dumped, or something has happened in my personal life, I am expected to be happy no matter what.
This creates a problem that no matter the incident women must put their feelings aside to put up a false image of happiness for the sake of the world.
This is what emotional labour is.
Emotional labour, as defined by sociologist Arlie Hochschild, is changing or adhering one’s emotions to create an appropriate image in the workplace. Hochschild also uses this term to explain emotional labour in private life with family and friends.
For instance, when a cashier smiles at you and the smile is probably not genuine this is considered emotional labour because she is only smiling because she is required to and not because she is genuinely happy to ring up your bananas.
Similarly, if you find yourself setting aside your unhappiness or any unpleasant emotions to support your partner this might be a sign you are participating in emotional labour. Putting aside one’s emotions to help your partner with theirs is something that happens to women everyday.
And yes men can often carry the brunt of emotional labour in a relationship but because there are societal expectations that expect women to be more emotional than men, with men expected to perform a false image of masculinity that defines men as stoic and unemotional, the fact is women are usually the primary emotional labourer.
It’s important to realize these things to combat the expectations and emotional labour that seems to be required for women to live normal lives. What we can do is understand and accept that nobody should be forced to act nice when they don’t want to, and if we are in a relationship we need to ask ourselves: “are my partner’s emotions and feelings supported as much as mine?”
At the end of the day, men and women should both carry an appropriate amount emotional labour in a relationship and neither should carry most of this burden.
Von Scheve, Christian. “Emotion Regulation and Emotion Work: Two Sides of the Same Coin?” Frontiers in Psychology 3 (2012): 496. PMC. Web. 31 Mar. 2018.