Note: This article will mention sensitive topics, such as depression and suicide. It will contain some heavy description. If this article triggers you in any way, I highly advise you to read something else. Please proceed with caution.
People Say that Depression is a Silent Killer. to me, it’s more than just a silent killer.
Depression. What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of this illness? Is it sadness? Loneliness? Anger? Isolation? All of these key factors can tie into the messy world of depression. To me, depression is the feeling of numbness. A feeling where you don’t exhibit feelings for anything or anyone. You feel soulless. You feel empty. Worst of all, you feel dead inside. Even on the most beautiful days, the scenery still isn’t enough to brighten up the darkness in your life. Depression can implement a lot of negativity into your life, and sometimes, it can be hard to reach out for help.
As long as I can remember, I had gone through many episodes of sadness and loneliness, specifically starting in middle school. During this period in my life, I suffered from bullying that ranged from my height, my personality, and my acne. It was hard to make friends due to my constant fear of judgment and abandonment. Because of this, I became an introvert and started to not say as much while in school. To this day, I still carry on the grueling fear of abandonment. Whenever I would get to know someone, I would tell them about my battle with depression and anxiety. You would think that people would be supportive. No. I used to be an open book that wasn’t afraid to open their heart in exchange of affection and love. Ultimately, I had to learn the hard truth in the most gut-wrenching ways. I couldn’t make everyone fall in love with me or think that they’ll feel sorry for me for something that I can’t control. It’s bad enough that when you are going through something like depression, it’s like the whole world is suddenly against you.
Words like “crazy” and “unstable” plagued my mind. Kids from school used to poke fun by the way I dress or how my acne made me look terrible. The way I viewed my body was in a negative manner, to the point that I would go on extreme diets and over-exercise. Family drama existed heavily and it made it even harder to form a conversation based on what I was experiencing. All of the trauma that was building up in my life led me down to a dark road.
When I was 12, I started to burn myself. Throughout the rest of middle school, this habit became part of my routine. It used to be for when I was having bad days or just felt like giving up. But, the odd sensation that I would get from it made me continue doing it. No matter how “happy” or sad I felt, burning myself was the only thing that made me feel alive. It made me feel at ease. When I was 13, I went through a short period where I was consuming pills on a day-to-day basis. Again, it was another habit in my life that I needed most. The self-destruction didn’t exist to me, because I didn’t feel broken. Yet, I felt numb. Extremely numb.
When I stopped self-harming, it was around the time when I started to seek counseling. It wouldn’t be my first time seeking help, though. I was 10 years old when I spoke to a mental health therapist for the first time. The reason: I threatened to commit suicide on school grounds. No, I wasn’t joking. That’s how I felt. My experiences with therapy made me feel seen and normal. It’s interesting yet refreshing to know that a complete stranger will listen to you and advise you on living a better life. However, therapy wouldn’t stay by my side for too long.
I stopped attending therapy around the first year of high school. Despite my ongoing battle with depression, I immediately decided to not seek help anymore. Instead, I resorted to the biggest mistake that I still regret to this day: finding love as a way to cope with depression. My first boyfriend was everything that I dreamed of. He was sweet, honest, caring, and loving. And, no I don’t regret dating him. I regret using romance as a way to cope with my depression. Whenever I was around him, I felt like I was on top of the world. I felt like nothing and no one could hurt me. Love can make you have those types of feelings. Although we dated for six months, it still remains the only relationship that I had in my life so far.
After our official breakup, my grandfather died of lung cancer. Within a two month span, I lost two people that I deeply cared about. Losing my grandfather caused me to spiral into the deepest depression episode that I experienced. Now, grief is one thing. Everyone in my family was going through it. But, my feelings weren’t related to grief. I lost all ability to do anything. My sadness ranged to anger on most days, and there were times that I would lash out at my friends and family. I began starving myself. My grades began to take a negative slip. And, the worst of all, I started to burn myself again.
Entering 2020, life became heavier. COVID hit, and I spent the rest of the school year at home. What made it even worse was that my brother was supposed to graduate high school in May of that year, but wasn’t able to due to restrictions related to the virus. I felt for him and for everyone who was affected by the virus. Personally, my depressive episode continued to get worse as the year went on. I experienced cyberbullying, disordered eating, family drama, and losing friends. On top of that, I failed my first class ever. After the year I had previously and now this, I wanted to kill myself. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was tired of being silent due to judgment, abandonment, and pressure. I was tired of pretending to be happy and “smiling”. Sometimes, smiling doesn’t help. If anything, it makes everything worse. My anxiety hit through the roof, and my mind started to feel foggy. I would wake up crying every single day, wishing I was dead. There were times that I made attempts on taking my own life. I isolated myself from friends and family. I deleted my Instagram account. I felt alone. For the first time in my life, I felt like I didn’t matter. I wasn’t needed. I wasn’t called for. Just…nothing. There are no words to describe the immense pain that I felt.
Forcing myself to enter into another relationship negatively affected my mental health, too. Since my last breakup, it’s been hard to date, let alone create a deep friendship with another guy. Seeing couples happy and loving one another made me feel that I will never have that again, because I’m seen as either “crazy person” or a “sad girl” and no guy wants to deal with that. It made me think that there was something wrong with me, and I still feel like this, sadly. Excelling in school wouldn’t have mattered either. All of these expectations built upon me was enough to just pull the trigger and end it all. If I didn’t meet an expectation, I basically failed.
I can say that surrounding myself in an environment filled with toxicity and gaslighting had created major problems that contributed to my declining mental health. I felt that no one would ever understand me. Back then, it was hard to get back into the routine of reaching out for help. Society likes to play tricks with me and the many times that I would witness how people like me were treated because of their struggles with depression, it made me feel like there was no one in this evil world who would be willing enough to help. I’m not going to lie to you: if I had continued on with my dark phase, I wouldn’t be here right now. I’d be dead. I wouldn’t be anyone’s problem any more. More so, no one would seem to care. Feeling like you are the only person in the world, with no motivation to get out of bed, go to school, and be a normal go-lucky person…that’s what depression looks like. That’s what depression feels like. That’s what depression sounds like. It’s more than just feeling sad all the time. You feel numb. You feel nothing. You lose all motivation to live.
“Why am I still living if I feel like this all the time?” These words would always play in my head. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself that life would get better, death felt natural to me. It was my ticket out of this hell that I was trapped in.
Life happens. You grow and move on. You meet new people and experience new things. New places. New freedom. New love. New everything. At 20 years old, it’s crazy to say that I feel like I have lived 60 years of my life. That’s what happens when you go through a lot of trauma. I had to grow up quicker. I had a lot of expectations built upon me. I had to be seen as the “good girl”.
It took me the rest of high school to curate a better outlook on life. One of the major things that didn’t affect as much as I thought it would was letting go of my dear friend of seven years. She was one of the few people who were there for me in my darkest days. Despiste our strong friendship, we grew apart as the years went on. I don’t want to detail too much, but all I can do is that letting go of toxic people has been one of the major boosts that I had to do for my mental well-being. I was there for her and I cared and loved her deeply. I tend to put other people’s feelings before mine, and to this day, I am still there for those who need me, despite my challenges. Another aspect that I committed myself to was growing my relationship with God. I’m not someone who tries to force their religion on other people, as I see religion as something that should be sacred within oneself. Putting myself back into healthy habits and doing my daily habits and doing my daily prayers gave the motivation to put myself on track to a happier life. Well, not happier. But, a more sensible life.
I’d be lying if I said that I am a much happier person than I was before. No, I wouldn’t say that I’m happy. I am still human and I am destined to experience different types of moods. The mood that I experienced on and off since I was 10 is a type of mood that leaves you feeling stuck and not being able to reach out for help. You’ll be constantly worried about what people will think of you and the fear of abandonment. You’ll be locking yourself away at night and crying yourself to sleep. You’ll be wishing for death non-stop to the point that you take matters into your own hands. Trust me, no one wants to feel like that. Yet, there are people who have taken their own lives, because it was the only way out. And, I was going to be one of those people.
Depression is a life-long battle. It’s something that I know I’ll be dealing with for the rest of my life. As of right now, I am encouraging myself to go back to therapy after a long time of avoiding it. However, I don’t want my depression to define who I am. I am worth way more than my depression. And, yes there are days where giving up seems to be the only option. It’s easy to give into the temptation of suicide and self-harm. But, it’s also important to know that implementing a healthy mindset and finding healthy ways to cope will lead to a road of recovery. You won’t find recovery in burning and cutting. You won’t find recovery in taking drugs or alcohol. You find peace and motivation in your life.
Love yourself. Take care of yourself. Love those around you. Hell, tell the barista at Starbucks to have a blessed day. Give yourself the day off from work. Take yourself on vacation. Treat yourself to a spa day. If you’re in a relationship, show your partner how much you love them. Speak with your family and love them while they’re still here. Tomorrow is never promised. Don’t let depression get the best of you. Rise above it and keep fighting through the storm until you can finally say: “I did it”.
If you or someone you know is seeking help for mental health concerns, visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) website, or call 1-800-950-NAMI(6264). For confidential treatment referrals, visit the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) website, or call the National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP(4357). In an emergency, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255) or call 911.