You’ve hit relational rock bottom, also known as “Tinder.” Honey, I’m right there with you, and there’s no shame in the game. Whether you’re there to find the love of your life or some love for the night, the aim is to grab somebody’s attention. We’re all fumbling around, swiping in our sleep, hoping to strike gold with some nearby hottie.
But where are all of the hotties? The men out here… let’s just say, their Tinder game could use a little bit of help. Fellas, here’s what you could do better:
1. The first photo
If it’s a group photo, we assume you’re the ugly friend. Always. Your first photo is your first impression, so make it a good one.
2. Beef up your bio
Nearly every guy’s bio says something along the lines of “Gym. Food. Work.” Let’s try to be a little more creative because a bio like that tells us nothing about you except that you might be human.
3. Introductions
“Hey” isn’t good enough. The best opening line I’ve ever read was, “You and I order Chinese food. They accidentally give us three spring rolls. How do we decide who gets the third one?” It gave me the opportunity to respond creatively and start an entertaining conversation.
4. Vehicles?
What is the deal with guys posting photos of their trucks and motorcycles? Who cares? That tells me that you’re interested in showing off your material wealth, which is kind of a turn-off. Unless you’re looking for a leech, leave the truck photos for your Instagram.
5. Do. Not. Catfish.
Listen, buddy, we all gain weight and lose our hair; you need to accept it. Don’t use photos from 2010, it just creates unrealistic expectations and disappointment when we meet.
6. Dog photos
Honestly, this isn’t fair. I cannot force my thumb to swipe left on a dog. That’s just dirty poker.
7. Assumptions
Don’t assume that everyone is on Tinder to fuck. If I had sex with every Tinder Match who asked, I’d never get any sleep. It just isn’t practical to assume that everyone’s goal is a one night stand.
As for the ladies who are interested in men… Do you ever wonder what guys think of our presentations online? I did, so I told 37 of my Matches that I was writing this article and asked them this question: “What are the worst things girls do on Tinder?”
(Full disclosure: my Matches are males between the ages of 23-28, predominantly white, surfer-dude-ish, or military. Therefore, the results of this experiment do not necessarily constitute data that is indicative of our community.)
Here are their answers:
“Match,” 23: “Girls asking for my input on articles.”
That one stung a little, I’m not going to lie.
Ian, 25: “I’m sure women get absolutely bombarded with matches and messages alike [but] if a guy has such a lack of creativity that all he’s gonna say is ‘hey’ or ‘hi’ then pass that up, no reply needed. Save your time for a dude that’s at least [going to] put in the effort to read your bio or make a comment based on your pictures.”
Clayton, 23: “If you ever find yourself responding to a guy with ‘no lol’ . . . it’s a quick way for us to not message back because it’s boring. We like to be engaged in conversation too.”
Ashton, 23: “I’d prob have to say meet up with guys they have never met pretty dangerous with the crazy people in this world now a days”
“Match,” 23: “When a girl wants to message back and forth and when you ask to go hang out and go to dinner or something and they say no because they don’t know you.”
Jd, 23: “Not swipe right on me . . . [laughing/crying emoji] lol I’m kidding . . . I guess just poor attempts at conversation or get you to add their snap so they have more views”
Noah, 22: “Hate how girls say they’re looking for a relationship when they’re on Tinder. Like you’re gonna find the love of your life by swiping left or right, judging a man strictly on his looks . . . In order to be successful on this app as a male you have to be over 6 foot tall, have some witty bio and pickup line and the list of standards goes on [laughing/crying emoji] while you and other women get hundreds of likes, I get rarely any”
“Match,” 28: “Probably the thing I like least on a girls Tinder profile is when they say something like ‘I never message first.’ . . . it just seems like they are unapproachable.”
“Match,” 24: “The worst thing that I’ve seen is if they use a cheesy pick up line honestly. . . idk it’s just kinda weird I guess?”
Jay, 24: “I’m a pretty busy guy . . . so maybe for me the worst thing a girl could do is not be patient or give up on our conversation because I’m not responding as often.”
Chandler, 24: “If you have ‘I probably won’t like you’ or ‘I’m just here for the cheesy pick up lines’ in your bio you should chill. Men have signed off regardless of physical beauty.”
Riley, 27: “Worst thing a girl has done is catfish [laughing/crying emoji] . . . Nothing worse than deceiving photos and an awkward meet up.”
Austin, 23: “Not responding after matching seems counterintuitive.”
Jesse, 23: “The worst things girls can do is use filters in their pictures. I understand 1 but some use them in every picture . . . How am I suppose to know what they look like when every pic has a dog filter lol”
I unmatched 5 men after this experiment.
2 men unmatched me during this experiment.
4 men preferred not to answer.
17 men either ignored my message or did not see it in time to answer.
As you can see, the results were frequently contradictory. So here’s my advice to you:
Just have fun, post honest photos of yourself, be kind and don’t let anyone walk all over you. Don’t settle for anything less than you deserve and don’t meet up with strangers in a dark alley. Pull the “my roommate just called, she has to go to the hospital!” scam if the date turns sour. Carry a condom, just in case.
The fact is there’s no right or wrong way to do Tinder. Be yourself and you’ll find someone that matches your desires!