I just turned 21. I can get drunk in private, in public and in the wilderness (excluding state and national parks – that’s still a huge let-down, America).
The crappy part about growing up is that if I’m responsible enough to destroy my liver, I should be responsible enough to care for it. Luckily, I’m not a heavy drinker, so that isn’t a huge concern. I do, however, have to worry about a few organs… specifically, my private parts.
That’s right. When you turn 21, it’s time for your first Pap smear.
So here’s a little background on the Pap smear: Dr. George Papanicolaou discovered that by shoving plastic tongs into a vagina and then popping a pipe cleaner into the cervix, you can determine if human papillomavirus infection (HPV) is present.
You’ve probably seen those terrifying commercials about HPV turning into cancer. Getting a Pap smear is an effort to avoid that.
I’m not going to give you the sticky details, but I recently had my first Pap smear. The doctor and I spoke afterward about how women are wildly uninformed about their own vaginas. Most of us grow up thinking that the vagina is private and taboo. I couldn’t tell you where my hymenal caruncle is located (or why it sounds like a creepy uncle). We discussed the fact that I did not know what to expect from that visit, how I felt awkward, and how Google wasn’t as much help as I’d hoped.
Thus, the doctor and I created a few tips for getting a Pap.
1. If your doctor does not make you feel emphatically comfortable, request another doctor. It is not your doctor’s place to judge; it is your doctor’s job to educate, suggest, diagnose and cure. If you’re uncomfortable, wrap yourself in a paper robe and walk out. They’ll get the picture.
2. They are going to ask about your sexual history. How many sexual partners have you had? Are you using birth control or other protection? Do you have oral, vaginal, and/or anal sex? They will ask you about the gender of your sexual partner/s. They will even ask if you drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes, or use other drugs. It is very important that you tell the truth. If they don’t know that you had on orgy on Labor Day (that’s a lot of work on a holiday, but you do you), how will they know that you might need to take a pregnancy test? Give them the information they need to ensure your health!
3. You’re going to be naked beneath a paper gown. Just letting you know.
4. Don’t expect it to be painless. The pain is not terrible, but it is noticeable. During a Pap smear, the doctor will insert a plastic speculum (with a nifty little flashlight on it) into your vagina. Depending on the width of your vagina, this may hurt. Remember to relax and take deep breaths. The doctor will then swab the outside of your cervix with a tool called a spatula. I tried to make a joke about eggs coming down from your ovaries but it didn’t fully develop.
Then the doctor will use a little brush to obtain a sample from inside your cervix. I won’t lie to you; this part hurts. It feels like intense period cramps and will make you very nervous about the prospect of shoving a baby through that itty bitty hole someday. The doctor will remove the speculum and insert two fingers (with gloves, obviously) into your vagina to feel around for God knows what.
Then the sticky part is over. Easy peasy.
5. This will take time. I was in the doctor’s office for about an hour and a half. Luckily, the sticky part only takes around ten minutes.
6. It’s awkward. You know it, the doctor knows it, and the nurse knows it. It is going to be okay. Don’t make it more awkward by worrying.
And, don’t overcompensate!
7. Your best defense in the face of lady check-ups is to stay calm and relaxed. If you’re nervous, your vagina will naturally clench and it may make the procedure more painful. We all get Pap smears. We all survive.
8. Convince your knees to spread open. It feels so wrong to put my feet in stirrups and let my knees fall to the sides to open my vagina for a room full of two whole, entire people. Pulling your knees together can lengthen the process and make it more painful.
Those two people are professionals who make sure that your lady parts are healthy. Relax. You’re in good hands.
9. Ask questions! Chances are you wouldn’t let a rando into your vagina without asking a few questions beforehand (if you would, you should seriously consider the health risks related to that – safe and consensual sex is vital).
Don’t let the doctor check you out before you feel informed and comfortable.
10. They use globs of lube to ease the pain, so when the Pap smear is over, don’t expect to go anywhere. Go home. Shower. Wear only cotton panties.
11. It is important to be safe, and if you’re having sex, protection should be your top priority. But don’t let the doctor talk you into birth control. Once, a doctor put two packs of the birth control pill in my purse, even though she knew it wasn’t my preferred method. Ask a million questions about birth control, consider the side-effects and dependability of each, and make your own educated choice about what goes into your body.
12. Surprise breast examination! They’re going to press, squish and squeeze your boobs. Pay attention to their technique and routinely give yourself breast exams at home. If you do this, you can identify signs of breast cancer early and save your boobies (and even your life).
Keep your vagina, cervix, uterus, and extended sexual organs healthy!
I know, but it’s important!