You’re probably thinking the only thing I could’ve learned from having a friend with benefits was something sexual. While that is in some ways very true, I happened to learn a lot more about myself than I intended when I first started hooking up with him.
Photo courtesy Unspalsh.
We’ve been “together” for almost a whole year now. He was a friend who I made freshman year and had stayed a little in touch with. We met up about once a week and did “the deed.” It was zero strings attached, and I always left as soon as we both were satisfied. I never stayed the night and never talked much besides when we just wanted to hook up.
It wasn’t until several months into the relationship that I started to realize that I was slowly changing and getting more out of this relationship than I had planned. The top things I learned about myself were:
1. How to be confident.
Before I started messing around with my FWB I was very insecure about myself. I never thought I was thin enough or pretty enough for a hot guy to want to think about sleeping with me. But when I started sleeping with my FWB, I realized that it doesn’t really matter what I look like under my clothes, the belly rolls I have when I bend over, or the lack of a thigh gap. They mean absolutely nothing. I learned that I can rock my body with or without clothes.
I also learned how to stand up for myself more, How so? I learned the word “no” and how to tell someone what I want and how not to give in to what they want.
2. What I want in a future partner.
This unique relationship I’ve had with my FWB has taught me that, yes, I one day want a “lovey dovey” relationship with a guy. I want a guy who wants to hold my hand, take me on cute dates, and brag to his friends about how awesome I am. I want a guy who wants to please me in any way possible.
My FWB has also shown me that I want a guy who is straight forward and communicates his feelings. One of the reasons my FWB and I lasted so long was because of his great communication skills. He told me from the beginning what he wanted and I did the same.
3. That I really don’t need a boyfriend in my life to be happy; I didn’t even need a FWB to be happy in life.
So often we think that since we are in college, we need to be in some sort of serious relationship. What I realized instead is that we (mainly I) need to focus on myself right now, and what I want in life and in a future partner. I learned that this is the time to go out and meet different people and have fun (responsibly) because this is the perfect time to “sow my oats.”
4. What I like sexually.
Yes, this lesson learned is pretty obvious, but also very important. I learned that I am not a vanilla type girl. I like to keep things spicy and interesting. I learned what I’m a huge fan of, what I am willing to deal with, and what I just don’t like. Learning this can be very important to not only you, but your future partner(s).
5. That sex doesn’t define love.
So many people, myself included, have associated love and sex. Yeah, it’s very possible and likely that you will love the person you are having sex with. But, for me, I realized that you don’t have to have a strong emotion for someone to have great sex. If the sexual chemistry is there, it’s there and you just need to grab it by the balls and have some fun.
6. To focus on the present.
I am a planner and like to know where I am going to be two weeks down the road. With a FWB, there are no future plans. Everything you do is in the present. Living this way is so much easier and so relaxing. I’ve learned that I don’t always have to know what I’m doing after class or later on tonight because if I just wing it, I might just be getting laid.