2020 was a rough year for all of us. From natural disasters, being amidst a pandemic, and being isolated in my room with only Zoom as the form of interaction, it has been tough. To add the cherry on top, I got broken up with in the beginning of June. Over a half a year later, I’ve grown and learned so much from this break up. It was my first ever relationship and my first love where I felt an emotional connection. So here’s the lessons I’ve learned from my last relationship.
- Lesson #1: You Feel Hurt that They Moved On
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June 1st. I kept replaying that last message over and over in my head, like a record tape, where those six words were highlighted in bright red. I am currently seeing someone else. It felt like a slap in the face. Days prior he wasn’t responding and I was worried sick that something bad happened to him. I was at a point where I texted him saying, “I hope everything is ok, please let me know. I just want to hear from you.” So when I did, a flurry of emotions and thoughts came over me. What went wrong? It seemed the other day we were making plans to hang out in person. Was it something I did? When did he lose interest and for how long without telling me? Did he like this person more? How long has he talked to this person? I didn’t know what to do, how to respond. A couple days later, I saw that he unadded me from Snapchat. Now full of bitterness, I sent a message so long it took you to another page just to read. I told him how hurt I was and splurged all my emotions out then and there. I mean, rewinding that breakup text, he didn’t even utter the word “sorry” once. I was so damaged by how easy it was for him to discard me when we would talk every day for 6 months. A little later he unadded me from all forms of social media, no way of communicating ever again.
- Lesson #2: You Miss All of The Good
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The first week after the break-up was hard. I cried for several days straight. I either ate nothing or a whole tub of ice cream (no in-between). I slept through the day or stayed up all night thinking about him. Oh man, the nights were the worst. That was when I would stay up talking to him over the phone or wish him well at his night shift. I missed the daily stream of dorky snaps we would send to each other. I missed our dumb small debates like how to actually pronounce “caramel.” I would miss the good morning and good night texts. I missed his voice and how especially one time he called me in his sleepy voice. Little did I know May 17th would be the last time we talked over the phone. I would play “Tum Hi Ho” by Arjun and “I Hate U, I Love U” by Gnash over and over until I drifted to sleep. I missed everything about him and wanted him back.
- Lesson #3: Then You Realize All of it Wasn’t Good
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3-4 weeks pass. Even though the thoughts of him weren’t gone, the adoration was. I came to terms that not everything was perfect with our relationship and I began to see the faults that he had. I remember how he would try to relate everything to him whenever I talked about other people’s struggles. Or how I would stay up all night just for him to not call me back. There were times where I’d feel uncomfortable with what he had to say, like when he was pro-life or how he was all for guns. I realized that we were so different from each other. He was a conservative, whereas I was a liberal. He was a white male, whereas I was a woman of color. He and his parents would work multiple jobs to get by, whereas I had multiple jobs for future financial security. I liked Dutch Bros, whereas he liked Starbucks. I liked thrifting in the city, whereas he liked camping and staying in playing video games. I thought that our different passions and upbringing would make us stronger. However in the end, we would barely be on the same page and would only discuss small talk like, “How was your day?” or “What did you do at work/school today?” I would constantly dismiss these as still getting to know each other and just taking it slow. However I realized later on, love should be exciting and adventurous. We should be enthused and wanting to be all over each other. Everyone’s relationships and love is different, and that’s what I thought about ours. But it just simply wasn’t the love that he and I needed.
- Lesson #4: But Then That Hurt Turns to Self-Reflection and Motivation
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2-3 months pass. I began to interpret that we had our good moments and our bad moments and that was ok. I realized that he no longer wanted to commit to me and that was ok. Sometimes there are relationships that are put into your life to show what you don’t want and that love doesn’t need to last forever to serve its purpose. Even now, I will always have love for him and look back fondly at memories of each other. He’s also shown me my worth and that I honestly do deserve someone who is willing to be there for me. He made me realize the qualities I bring in a relationship and how I can improve myself to be better for the next one. That I need to respect my own boundaries and that it’s ok if I’m angry or have negative feelings towards him. Looking back, I also would have feelings of doubt throughout the time we were together. I realized that in the end, I need to look out for what’s best for me. I began to work on myself through new hobbies. Writing, painting, reading and listening to podcasts helped feed my emotional growth, whereas walking outside, dying my hair, and working on my skincare fed my physical growth. I mean hey, break-up glow-ups are real, and I was going through mine.
- Lesson #5: And the Realization that Being Single is F*cking Awesome
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It’s been 8 months since that text. The memories and emotions of him are now a blur. However, even looking back now, I still remember that through all that pain and emotion that I went through, I also felt something else: relief. The day he texted that message, I felt as if a weight was lifted. All those feelings of doubt and worry were no longer present. I was able to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Now whenever I talk to someone, I’m no longer in the mindset of “what I can bring to the table,” but rather “what the other person can bring to the table for me.” Now I can talk to multiple people, have casual flings, or just be myself without hurting or taking account of anyone’s feelings. Even though there are times where I feel lonely now, I look back at that relationship and realize that I was miserable. It made me really appreciate now how many aspects I am thankful for. I’m thankful for my friends. I’m thankful for my family. I’m thankful for being able to get through some of the toughest moments of my life. I’m thankful that I want to live my life the way I want to. From this relationship, I’ve learned that love shouldn’t be forced. If it’s there, it will persevere and find its way back to you. From the entertainment industry and the media, I always thought that love was found in romance. In this relationship, I did find love but not the rom com that’s displayed on screen. I found love towards myself. I want to be the best version of myself, and that’s the only thing that should matter.
Acknowledgements: I would like to thank Nina Jouval and Annika Bunney for being amazing editors and HCUWB for their words of support and encouragement.