Disclaimer: This article does discuss sexual assault and victim blaming. Please do not read if you are not comfortable with these topics. My intention is to inform my peers that among members of this learning environment we are going to interact with individuals that do not agree with our personal views. I do not wish to hurt anyone I only want to share this event because I was able to see the result of our misogynist society first hand. I want to share this because it shocked me and if do not write this I feel like I would be silencing the pain that is experienced amongst sexual assault victims. Allowing others to victim blame is a clear sign of ignorance but I ‘ve learned that knowing the effects of sexual assault is not basic knowledge. This did happen and individuals in this article have been given pseudonyms to protect their identity. I do not wish to hurt anyone and please if you have any comments, questions, or would like to talk feel free to contact me: prasadsanjevni808@gmail.com.
As a victim of sexual assault at a very young age, I have had a great deal of time to heal. For the young womxn, and you are young in my book unless you are dead, who have tragically been victims of sexual assault recently or you haven’t had the opportunity to heal completely I do not write this to hurt you. I want to help you. I want to help this young man too. To the womxn who have faced this vicious cycle of pain from members of society to their own family, I cannot begin to understand how you have felt, feel or will feel. No matter if you have experienced this pain or not I want every womxn that reads this to know that they are strong, beautiful, intelligent and otherworldly creatures. Sadly, anyone can be a victim of sexual assault, transgender womxn, transgender men, gay men, gay womxn, everyone can experience this brutish form of violence and none of them are to blame for this life-changing event.
Cayenne: pronouns- she/her/their/they
Cube: pronouns- he/him/his
What sparked all of this? We were discussing the preventable murders and disappearances of womxn in Juarez along with the idea of Femicide. The readings that were assigned prior to this discussion informed us that these womxn were kidnapped at bus stations or en route to work. We also learned that law enforcement plays a large part in removing these womxn’s stories and are keen on erasing their existence entirely as it to them these womxn are disposable. In order to blame the victim for their demise police reports often include ludicrous and false information such as the womxn were wearing tight clothes, drinking, or they had multiple boyfriends. The goal is to destroy the image of the womxn to justify her murder. The womxn of the room understood this foolish double standard as they have been raised to follow this societal creation. Wear fitted clothes to show off your curves to get a man at a nightclub, but when you are walking to and from your car wear a long ill-fitted coat that covers you head to toe so you don’t get attacked. Dress sexy, but expect to be called a whore. It is a terrible, complicated problem that makes me feel vulnerable and judged if I wear a skimpy dress that I like.
During this conversation a young man, Cube, states, this is to the best of my recollection, “please don’t be offended, but if you go outside why not cover yourself completely, or carry a weapon, or learn martial arts to protect yourself?” Our professor replied, “that a womxn shouldn’t have to do that, she should be able to walk around this classroom naked and not be worried about being sexually assaulted”. The rambling went on, each person trying to speak over the other, sentences were interrupted, answers were unfinished. At one point the man shouted that his girlfriend was raped and in response, a young womxn shouted that it is not his information to share. Hearts were pounding, uncomfortable smiles scattered the room, a break was called and we all started chatting with our groups. Cube was asking a question that could only help a few womxn in immediate danger. According to him, it was simple, confronted by an attacker fight your way to freedom. It implies that the womxn is completely sober and skilled in martial arts. In this case, the man has no weapons and is not skilled in martial arts himself. This might work in a very small amount of encounters, but not every womxn will find themselves in this predicament. Plus, teaching everyone to fight and arming womxn does not solve the larger problem. The issue, along with many others, is that sexual assault predators are not given strong enough consequences to motivate others to not commit this crime. If no one was punished for murder so many people would be murdered.
On that same night at home I brought up the encounter to my brother while only delivering the highlights, all the information I shared above, and he shared a viewpoint that changed the way I look at this young man. My first thought on Cube was that he was a fire starter, a Trump supporter, like my professor shared- a victim blamer. My brother asked whether he was really all these assumptions I made? My older sibling brought up the point that Cube could be in the dark, maybe he didn’t know how to word his question and shared his girlfriend’s information as a way of creating common ground because he knew the discussion was going south. Based on my experiences, the shows I watch, the things I learned I know that sexual assault is horrid and can be prevented if the predators are caught early. For me, this is basic knowledge and I made the unfortunate assumption that everyone thought this as well. This young man showed me that it is not basic knowledge and this is why this is such a problem.
As if the world was telling me to write this story a peer from the same feminism class stood before my eyes and was just as adamant about discussing this event as I was. My peer, Cayenne, thankfully remembered the question the young man asked, “what level of responsibility is on a womxn to protect themselves at night?” The young man suggested that the Juarez womxn or any womxn should learn jiu-jitsu as he did and he feels like he can protect himself because of it. Cayenne and her friend shared a perspective that I think represents a multitude of womxn and expresses the pain along with the logical fallacy that a womxn can face if she becomes subjected to this crime:
“Boys are not just boys, they become men” Cayenne, this fiery student, felt that our professor should have cut off the young man earlier and asked him to talk with her after class. They shared that his tone and opinion was overly misogynistic and downright shocking. “It was in real time and you are just reacting. And not everyone can learn martial arts (Cayenne’s friend adds) and not a lot of womxn know that they need to learn self-defense. (Hopping back to Cayenne) And if a girl is surrounded by eight guys is she is just supposed to kick them?” My peer and her friend shared just how ludicrous it is for someone to assume that escaping this horrid violence is simple like in a movie though we are not Black Widow or Captain Marvel who can fight their way out of a jam.
Our professor was only able to hit the crust of what is happening in this deep, layered problem. She shared that women shouldn’t have to worry about sexual assault but was cut off. She is right, in a perfect world where a man and womxn were truly equal we all could do anything we want, dress any way we want, and we shouldn’t have to prepare ourselves for an attack. We would be treated with respect, kindness, have intercourse if we want (very strong emphasis on if we want=consent) or be abstinent if we want. A womxn’s choice for her body and life should not be dictated by other men and womxn that do not share their body. Femmes should not be ridiculed, subjected to pain, or assaulted for illogical reasons. In this perfect world a womxn, as my professor shared, “can walk down a dark alley and not be assaulted”.
So Cube’s question, “what level of responsibility is on a womxn to protect herself at night?” Let me ask you Cube, what level of responsibility is on a man to learn about sexual assault, to prevent himself from becoming a predator, to seek help if such desires come to mind, to turn himself in if he commits this crime, to help a womxn that is forced to experience this, to educate his friends, to develop a level of compassion and drive to help remove such assaults and change our society? Why do the womxn have to do all the work? My answer to your question: a womxn like any human being is responsible for their own body, she is not responsible for the man or men that assault her, she is not responsible for any form of attack whether it is verbal or physical, she is not responsible for sexual assault, and she is not responsible for the twisted mentality anyone has to accuse a victim. If a womxn is intoxicated past their personal level, too high on marijuana, high on any drugs, past out sleeping, bound in any way whether it is actual ropes or chains or locked in a room, overpowered, has found themselves surrounded by a trusted family member or friend, or any other position where the womxn is not operating at full capacity then she/they are not at fault at all. Any form of inebriated you cannot completely consent and if your trust in someone is suddenly compromised then you are going to be in a state of shock. In all of these cases and any other form of this position a womxn is vulnerable and should be cared for not assaulted.
This young man is creating a false dilemma by expressing an argument as womxn who protect themselves are safe and those that do not learn self-defense methods or carry a weapon are doomed to be raped. My brother could be right- this young man who could be straight out of high school has not thought about putting himself in a womxn’s shoes. Maybe in his eyes, everything is so equal that if a womxn learned martial arts like him they would be and feel safe like him. He is simply following the mentality that has been ingrained in him for years by our patriarchal society. What if this young man does not have a sister? My brother knows about my experiences with sexual abuse because I told him. He knows about my lengthy- still may not be completed- healing process because I keep him updated. And if this Cube has a sister what if they do not talk? My relationship with my brother is very unique and was only created because we had no one else to talk to and not everyone is subjected to that kind of seclusion. Along with the fact that this young man is Caucasian so he may not understand that the world can be a scary, unwelcoming, and outrageous place that keeps you on your toes and increases your anxiety along with another level of problems.
The compassionate side of me questions: how can I hate someone that may not know my perspective? If he knew, refused to accept or refused to learn then yes I can dislike him. But if he wanted to learn, but because of his experiences he doesn’t know how to ask, or his ingrained misogynistic opinions cause him to word things in the harsh and demeaning way what do I do? What does anyone who has been a victim help him?
If you are curious about how to properly interact with a drunk girl you want to fuck please read my personal opinion of how this should go down. Written with crude language and the simplest instructions.
If you want to fuck a girl and she is fucked up then you get her back to her friends and leave your number with her friends. Ask for them to call if they need anything: a ride to the hospital, ride home because Uber and Lyft are so expensive in Seattle, need food or water, just HELP!
If she doesn’t have any friends there, talk to the bartender and tell them your name and her name, give them your number. This may be rude, but if she is fucked up you give her some water to wake her up, ask her to unlock her phone and tell her to find her roommate, besties’, or someone she trusts’ number and you talk to them. State your name, that she is fucked up, you need her address, you say that you will make sure she comes home and you want this roommate or friend to be awake when they come home. Ask her to go to the bathroom to pee and break the seal, while she is relieving herself ask the bartender for a plastic bag, hop in an Uber that YOU pay for, let her vomit in the bag, you can only hold her hair and rub her back. If her pussy is out you pull that dress down to her knees and make sure her boobs do not flop out. You walk her to her door and wait till it opens, meet the roommate or friend and leave your info again.
When she is sober and she calls you, meets you, and wants to fuck you and y’all fuck. When she is sober and calls you, meets you, and says thank you let’s be friends and you say OPENLY “I would like a strictly sexual relationship and I feel that if we are to be just friends I would not be happy, I am happy you are safe and if you need help again I will help as a friend” and YOU WALK AWAY! Womxn do not owe you anything.