My friends told me about how they have seen online open letters to Depression or whatever issue they are facing. I wanted to just try it out today (10 October) on World Mental Health Day to set free my thoughts and worries about Depression. I hope the open letter below will educate you guys better on the struggles of one going through depression. While depression hardly is a one-size-fits-all and cannot speak for all of them, I am just trying to raise greater awareness to what your loved ones with depression might be going through. Anne Lamott mentioned about how lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save but instead just stand there shining. Although I can’t save every boat, I hope that the open letter has allowed you to absorb a small amount of light, knowing there is someone out there who understands. Feel free to reach out to me if you guys ever need a non-judgemental listening ear.
Depression,
I am not going to call you dear because you clearly do not deserve that saluation. You are a monster that rips people away from their loved ones. You have been that clingy friend that has stuck to me since forever… Along with you came your BFF squad: self-hurt and suicide. Weird as it might sound, you are the longest friend I have had. Even before I got to know what your 13-letter name meant, I experienced it at a tender age of 4 or 5 when I attempted to sharpen my fingers with a sharpener, banged my head against the wall etc.
Is depression a crime? Certainly not! But you alienated me from my own parents and loved ones. You made me relate with the term reverse nightmare. Many days make me feel like I am waking up into a nightmare and feel like I was a lot better off when I was asleep. You triggered a paranoia to think my friends have forgotten about me and worse still, even conspiring about me. You made me feel like my friends no longer see me as a viable source of support when they are merely trying to be supportive and not lay their problems on top of mine. You made me frustrated and think the worst of my friends when they do not reply as much when they are just dealing with issues of their own unrelated to me. You made me feel guilty that I am unable to give as much attention to my friends as I should be and that I do not deserve any of them. You made me forget about so many things since I am too absorbed trying to fix and keep myself together.
That said, “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”. True to this popular quote, you have brought attention to those around me who have cared for me. While I was initially overwhelmed by my own pain and struggles, with time, I opened my eyes to what my friends and family go through as I watched my mother take care of my grandmother back in Singapore. Many a times, I do not communicate with my family as much as I would want to since I am just emotionally tired. However, they always accepted me the moment I was ready to get back into radar. They have always been there for me through my downs and though not said aloud, I know they will pick the phone at even 3am if I needed even though I try my best not to go to them since it hurts my pride as an “independent” woman. You taught me to appreciate the individuals who have stayed with me for the long haul in spite of all the difficulties. You taught me to empathize with others and their difficulties. You taught me that behind every smile, there is probably a whole different story waiting to be unleashed.
One of the most heartbreaking moment for me was when I had to listen to my friend tell me that suicide is nothing more than cowardice. I know that many of you readers probably resonate with that idea but as someone who might have contemplated suicide in the past and has friends who are suicide-survivors, I would like to suggest otherwise. Imagine standing at the edge of a building and one step away from absolute nothingness. You are diving into the unknown. You are forgoing everything you have known all your life. You are risking all the side-effects of what happens in the case your suicide attempt fails. Suicide undeniably requires a lot of courage and that is the undeniable truth. While I feel that individuals can use that courage to continue living and facing their issues headfirst, I believe that labeling suicide as nothing more than an act of cowardice discredits their struggle.
The previous incident made me realise the need for me to advocate and speak on the behalf of the millions suffering due to your “friendship”. I came out and am unashamed to advocate for better awareness for mental health despite being aware of possible repercussions. While depression and anxiety are one of the more common illnesses, it is often misunderstood. People affected are often told to just “cheer up” or rather get over it.
Writing this letter to you has been painful, yet liberating simultaneously. I fearfully hope that you would not feed on my energy to boost yourself. For what is worth, I am definitely raising more awareness about you so people would learn to deal with your ways and also support their loved ones being affected by your acquaintance.
Regards,
The girl who wishes she did not have such an overbearing “friend”