When a person loses weight you hear about how great they feel and how it changed their life. Overall, people are happy with their accomplishment and can’t wait to show off what they did.
But, what no one tells you about are the insecurities that come with losing weight.
My decision to lose weight wasn’t to get skinny or reach a certain number on a scale; it was something that I gradually worked at with the hope of becoming healthier. I didn’t go on any special diets or do an extreme workout regimen. I didn’t hate that I was “chubby.” I just simply started to make better decisions and leave behind bad eating habits.
I was at my heaviest in my sophomore year of high school, weighing over 30 pounds more than my current weight. Over the course of the next two years, I dropped the weight and went down four pant sizes. I was so proud of myself. I loved the feeling of looking in the mirror and seeing a change. I found a new sense of confidence, different from before.
I started college and managed to beat the freshmen 15. I maintained my weight and didn’t let the stress of being a new student affect the way I eat. But then I went on the birth control and gained five pounds. Then I started my sophomore year and found myself getting into bad habits and quickly gained another ten pounds. I would eat a full bag of chips on my own every week and strayed away from fruits and vegetables. I wasn’t active in any way, and no longer participated in sports or a gym class.
It wasn’t until I stepped on the scale and saw I was 15 pounds heavier that the fear began; the fear that I was going to become who I used to be. Even though I knew these weren’t things I should be eating, I did it anyway. No one told me about how this fear would become ever-consuming and how you start to doubt yourself. You become obsessed with the scale and watching your numbers. It became difficult to enjoy food and would feel guilty. I could no longer fit into any of my clothes and became extremely self-conscious of how I looked and what I was wearing. I could no longer look at myself in the mirror.
This leads to the other thing no one tells you about:
Rejection.
After losing the weight, I was incredibly happy with who I became. Yet, I couldn’t help but reject who I used to be. I became embarrassed that I ever looked like that. I can’t bear the thought of showing people my old photos or even stomach looking at them myself; many of them have been deleted and removed. I now reject the old me and pretend she doesn’t exist. How sad is that?
So, when I gained some weight back it was hard to deal with. I liked to pretend that it didn’t happen and chose not to deal with it. I spent several months avoiding the issue. I found it difficult this time around to find the motivation to drop those extra pounds. I had already accepted the fact that I was becoming the old me again and wasn’t trying to fight it.
The weight loss was both a blessing and a curse. I am so happy with where I am right now, but anything that threatens that happiness is terrifying. The heavier me was pretty special, but I’m not that girl anymore. I like where I am at in life and want people to meet this version of me.
My advice to you is to find a sense of balance.
I know I am still going to be obsessed with the scale and keeping my weight where I want it. Though, I will forgive myself for enjoying that extra piece of cake and taking a moment to just be happy with where I am at. Weight loss isn’t just a physical journey, but an emotional one as well. It’s important to pay attention to what you want out of. If you want to lose weight, go for it! It takes a great amount of discipline and perseverance, but the satisfaction of reaching your goal is greater then any stuggle you may face.