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Seven Signs That You Are A Functioning Trainwreck

We have all met one – and if you haven’t met one, then you are one. The girls whose life is simply not a fine-tuned machine. With every story she tells, you end up either laughing or giving her the “Oh, honey” response. Through all her failures or out of the blue successes she keeps you laughing and you can’t help but wonder how she has made it this far. Either way though you have to respect her, because no matter what she just keeps chugging along down that track.

  1. Studying is like the tooth fairy… a nice thought, but completely unrealistic.

She would never be found at the library or the Memorial Student Center with her nose deep into a text book. She may scan the material once the day of, or hour before the exam, but to spend hours of precious time trying to memorize fourteen million managing styles is just not in the cards. Somehow though, even will little preparation she seems to walk away with good grades.

  1. Grace is her middle name.



 Alhough her middle name may be Grace, ironically, she is not at all graceful. Whether she is unobservant or simply clumsy, she often trips, hits people, or spills things. After a night out she can count the bruises on her body from the killer side tables she ran into or the evil pavement she scrapped her knees on. No matter how hard she tries, she will never be light on her feet..

  1. She keeps track of a strict budget, but only for alcohol.



There is always a set aside amount of money for her weekly booze run. When most people equate money with, perhaps, new shoes or a nice meal, she can’t help but think how many hurricanes she can buy at the bar. Her friends may ask her to go to the movies or to eat, to which she often replies, “I have no money.” They may get mad when they see her later at Dick’s Fresh Market buying all the ingredients to her famous wop recipe.  Sorry, but who would break into the booze funds for something as insignificant as food.

  1. Sweats are BAE.

Comfy casual style is her niche. A day in her life is filled with messy buns, coffee, and sweats. When she does have a day when maybe all the leggings are dirty and she has to throw on a dress, everyone and their mother will ask her what she is so dressed up for, because for her, even jeans are dressing up.

  1. Dieting is an inevitable form of suicide.



She eats what is available and easy.  She couldn’t imagine taking the time to plan meals and have a fully stocked kitchen. Instead if she needs to binge-eat queso and chips until her next trip to the supermarket then so be it. She has Toppers, Jimmy Johns, and the Fortune Cookie all on speed dial and receives frequent customer awards. Besides, who wants to eat carrots when you can have Toppers Sticks and a few glasses of wop?

  1. Significant others tend to be not very significant.



She loves men – a lot of men – and isn’t afraid to show it. Relationships are never really her forte, but men still seem to flock to her carefree and fun attitude. She has way too many stories of waking up after a night at Rehab with a new boy lying next to her who she gave complete consent too. Still in her fabulous heels she wears the walk of no shame like a badge of honor.

  1. Right in time is on time.

She often wonders where her crown is because she is the queen of procrastination. When D2L says the assignment is due at 12 you can bet she will have the assignment submitted at 11:58. She never has things done early, but she will always have just enough time. Also with appointments she will be exactly in time, whether that means running down broadway to class or eating a frozen hot pocket on the go.  But she will always eventually make it to where she needs to be.

 Maybe this reminded you of that funny and loveable trainwreck in your life, or maybe it opened your eyes to your own trainwreck..id… ness? Either way, the world would be a little less fabulous if we didn’t have these people in it.


Allison is a girl. She likes to think she's "not like other girls" but that probably untrue.
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