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Local Student Nearly Dies From Excruciating Cramps In Class

Local student Naomi Johnson was in for an unexpected surprise when she felt a jackhammer going off in her uterus during her last class. Reports have indicated that even though the second year Biochemistry student is on a fairly predictable cycle, she was not ready at all for it to begin. 

“I was just, so incredibly surprised. One second I was minding my own business taking notes in Bio, and the next I was praying for the sweet release of death. And I’m usually so prepared for this, but with the stress of our upcoming exam, it took on a mind of it’s own.”

Naomi’s lab partner Kayla reported watching her squirm uncomfortably for the rest of the two hour section. “I could definitely tell she was uncomfortable, but there was so little I could do for her as we compared slides on our microscope. She’s got a lot of grit though. If it were me, I would have just called it a day like twenty minutes in.”

At press time it was announced that Naomi’s class got out early, and she was able to make a bee line back home to get the situation under control. We wish her the best, and hope she can get through this difficult time with some ease. 


Stephanie Zengler is a Business Administration major and Communication Studies minor, and she completely understands if you think her last name is actually Ziegler. Like a lot of business majors, Stephanie has a favorite Andrew Carnegie quote, and like a good communication minor, has very strong opinions on the Oxford comma. Aside from being a Stout student, Stephanie is an avid fan of Bay Area sports, Fleetwood Mac, and the amazingly perfect show Dollface.
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