John Mulaney Quotes that Describe College

Incoming Freshman let me introduce you to the college life, with the help of our special guest the John Mulaney.

  1. 1. Short and Broke 

    It's very stressful having no money! We can barely afford food let alone textbooks. Don't even get me started on living in the dorms. And we can't reach the top shelf without help or a stool! How humiliating.

  2. 2. I'm Very Sensitive

    Pysch majors can look you up and down and instantly reveal your deepest fears. Like what the hell man I'm just trying to eat lunch, leave me alone. And now I'm crying. In college everyone cries.

  3. 3. We've Got the Memory of a Goldfish

    Professor, I know you told me already, but I was distracted by someone eating a cookie. Please repeat what you said. And repeat it again because I am only living on 4 hours of sleep. I hope this isn't on the final.

  4. 4. Procrastination

    I know that my paper was assigned a month ago. But Tiger King came out, and I have my priorities straightened out. And now it's 3 am and it's due at 8 am.

  5. 5. It's Called Liberal Arts for a Reason

    If you go to college and still come out a Republican, you weren't paying attention in class at all. The college experience is learning that life sucks and everything is against you.

  6. 6. What is College?

    Sometimes you actually learn something in class. Other times your professor tells you about their tragic backstory. And then you watch South Park. Welcome to college!

  7. 7. We All Got Anxiety

    College is full of anxiety and depression. The counseling center is free for a reason.

  8. 8. We Need Constant Validation

    If my friend doesn't laugh at the meme I showed them then I will cry about it in bed tonight. We are so lonely and just want to be loved!

  9. 9. Fashion is just a Concept

    My school straight up has a tin man who walks around campus. You could wear a onesie to class and get complimented on it. Everyday is Halloween at college. Wear what you want because no one cares. 

  10. 10. These Eyes Have Seen Things

    College is a weird place. You could walk into the showers and find a candy wrapper there. When it's winter someone draws penises in the snow. In my dorm there was thousands of pictues of Dwight Schrute. 

  11. 11. Tuition is Too Expensive

    I'm paying HOW much to draw boxes? Ridiculous. 

  12. 12. Why Did We Sign Up For This?

    You're telling me you're letting CHILDREN waste 4 years of their life and what do they get out of it? A piece of paper and 120,000 dollars in debt.

Don't get discouraged, college isn't THAT bad. John Mulaney went so it can't be that bad.