College is said to be the place where people find themselves. That might be true, but I started to discover myself in high school – junior year to be exact.
Now, growing up was like most stories. I had my crushes on the cute boy in my class who was way out of my league, but I didn’t care because he was nice and made me laugh. I only had one crush and I guess it wasn’t that weird, but I remember my friends having multiple crushes and I didn’t start to develop “feelings” until the end of 7th grade. Looking back on it, I find it to be a starting point to my sexuality discovery. Going into my freshmen year of high school, I still had a crush on the same guy. He was in my homeroom and I was on Cloud Nine. I sat behind him and we talked every Thursday.
Sophomore year started and my crush moved homerooms. I found it strange as to why I wasn’t more hurt about it. I almost felt relieved. That’s when I started to notice girls more often. I would find myself daydreaming about what it would be like to date a girl. Would it be easier or harder than dating men? I was drawn to the pretty faces and the soft personalities. By that point, I assumed I was bisexual. I never really acted on the idea because it seemed to be the answer I was looking for. However, something always felt off and I couldn’t put my finger on it.
Junior year rolled around and I got a question from my dad that has always stuck with me, “Morgan, when are you going to get a boyfriend?” I remember looking at my dad with a straight face. I never thought about it up until that point. Dating never seemed like something I would be good at. I’m very awkward when it comes to physical touching and I have a hard time texting back, so I thought that being in a relationship would be a disaster for me. I just said, “I don’t know. I don’t care at the moment to be with someone.” It’s very true, though I did find both men and women attractive, I never wanted to date anyone. His question got to me though. There have been people interested in me but, I never took action to it. Being alone didn’t sound too bad. You don’t have to worry about texting someone back right away, come up with ways to entertain someone or buy two tickets for a movie. The more I rationalized it, the more I liked the idea of being single. It sounded great until my dad said, “I will only dance with you at your wedding.” Wow. That hit me hard. What if I never get married?
Dating was pushed to the back burner of my head when I entered college. I wanted these next few years to be great and full of new experiences and new friends. I wanted to get more involved with the LGBTQIA+ community because there wasn’t much of one in my hometown. When I went to a meeting, I heard the term ‘Asexual.’ The group defined it as, “a person who has no sexual feelings or desires.” It was at that moment that I kind of had an ‘AHA’ moment. It made so much sense – made sense as to why I didn’t want to be with anyone, made sense why I didn’t want to have physical contact with people. Right as I had that moment, I stopped and remembered the words my dad said to me, “I will only dance with you at your wedding.” My dad and I are close, we are pretty much the same person and I would have loved to dance with him at my sister’s wedding. Now, I kind of confirmed that I might not get married. I might never have that dance with him. The feeling of never dancing with my father ever still burns talking about it because I wanted to have that moment with him. I learned to live with it and accept hugs from him every chance I get. I don’t need a dance to know that he loves me, but I would like to do it just once.
I tried to be in relationships; I didn’t just decide that asexual was my sexuality without at least giving relationships a chance. I’ve kissed boys and girls and I’ve never felt much. There wasn’t that “spark” and I realized that I didn’t want to be in a relationship with them. I didn’t have the physical connection that’s expected, so no one can say I never tried to at least have some connection with someone romantically.
Where do I see myself in 10 years? Happy hopefully. All I really want to do is travel with my dog and just live my life out. No need to worry about marriage, kids, or commitment. Living my life snuggled up with a dog doesn’t sound like a bad ending to me. I don’t need that kind of companionship. I have friends and family that love me and that is all I will ever need.