I Don't Love You Anymore

I used to. I used to love you with my entire mind, body and soul. But everything changed. When you said the words I never thought I would hear again, it all changed. My heart was shattered again, and I was so angry that I let myself get hurt again by someone I loved. But I don’t love you anymore.

I thought about our years together and how now it all seems like one romantic movie montage. I think about how music could have been playing in the background because our love was the kind that matched the music lyrics perfectly. I can still remember the love I felt in those little moments that made up our relationship. But I don’t love you anymore.

I remember fishing on your boat as the sun fell behinds the trees, the orange and yellow glow that shimmered off the water as you told me what you wanted to name a little girl of your own one day. I remember hearing the name ring in my mind and I remember setting my pole down and relaxing back at the fact that I loved you more than ever before and I couldn’t wait for my future with you. But I don’t love you anymore.

We drove by houses and hills of land and talked about the white trim we wanted in our home one day. We talked about driveways that were a bit to slanted and neighborhoods that were a bit far from our future jobs. We talked about how we couldn’t wait to come home to the person we love each day. But I don’t love you anymore.

I watched you mix and mingle with my family and thought about how we could switch off holidays with each-others’ families. I thought about how much family meant to us and how I was so excited to have the person I love become a part of my family. But I don’t love you anymore.

We used to yell at each other with pain in our voices hating the sting of being mad at one another. I used to fall into your arms with apologies hanging from my lips because I loved you more than any fight could try to rip apart. But I don’t love you anymore.

We put on private concerts in your truck and I would watch you sing lyrics like they were meant for me to hear. I would sing at the top of my lungs because my number one fan was driving beside me. I loved when the songs and lyrics matched perfectly with the love in that truck. But I don’t love you anymore.

I saw you the other day. You walked with rounded shoulders knowing the familiar eyes that were watching you. Your long strides reminded me of all the times I would see you working outside, focused on your project. You walked through a familiar yard and drove down the street you used to drive every day to see me. And within minutes you were gone. Just like that, you were gone, just how it felt when you left for good. I watched you come and go with all these memories flashing by, but that’s all they were. You are just a name in some stories now. Because I don’t love you anymore.

But I love my life. I love the life that I was given, and all the smiles I get to see every day. I love the family I was blessed with and the friends I adore.  I love the path I have ahead of me and all the hope for where I am going. And I love myself. I love that I am starting to see my worth and all the good I can bring to the world. Because the love I gave to you, I gave back to myself. I used to love you with my mind, body and soul, but I don’t love you anymore.