You could call me Type A – it’s ok because that is what I call myself. I have been this way for my whole life. If you open any psychology textbook and turn to the glossary and skim the page for Type A personality, it would describe me. A person who I describe to always feel the need to be in control, schedule oriented, and struggle with adapting to change. In my eyes I see nothing wrong with it – until everything in my life slowly began to not go as planned.
I have written the narrative to my life ever since I was in high school. I knew exactly what I was going to study, where I wanted to go to school, what I wanted to do when I graduate, where I want to live, and what car I want to drive. I had the answer to all of the futuristic questions that many people are petrified to answer. Until this semester.
I am currently a sophomore studying Health Sciences in hopes of pursuing a career as a Physician Assistant and, to be more specific, Pediatric or Plastic Surgery. But recently I have been having a scary intrusive thought: is this really what I want to do with my life? I feel confident enough to say, as someone who fits the description of a Type A person, this question that has been horrifying me to answer has pushed me to my limits in so many ways.
But it has pushed me in ways that I never expected it would. Even though at times I feel that my life is a walking disaster – and even though it is far from it – the more I question, the less I feel like I know what I will do.
Which is okay. Okay. A four letter word that I am struggling to cope with. I know everything will be okay and things will fall into place but for me, someone who loves to be organized and structured, when someone tells me “it will all be okay,” it makes me feel like I am not in control.
Yes, there are some things out of my control, and I have accepted that. I think a lot of people have. Life can be unfair; but, it can also be lucky. Through trial and error, I realized being open to change and having an open-minded outlook on life is honestly the most important thing.
It is hard to admit, but last semester was my downfall. I became too obsessive, to the point where it was slightly detrimental. I was fixated on grades; it was all I cared about. I would take one exam and immediately be worried about how I performed. Even while I was studying for an exam, I would be worried about the grade that I would receive – even before I took the exam! Having this mentality seemed normal to me. I knew the grades that I needed to get to have the perfect GPA so when I apply to PA school everything will go as planned. But this mindset was imperfect. To be completely honest, it set me up for failure. I would not perform as well as I hoped and, rather than looking at my exam and seeing the mistakes that I made and move on, I would beat myself up and get frustrated.
This semester, I have allowed, and pushed, myself to think differently. I did not want to be grade-obsessed and I did not want to put so much pressure on my future. I wanted to let my mind wander in different ways. This semester has been a time of growth in ways that I have never expected. My mindset change has allowed me to just focus on the present and take it day by day.
I have accepted the fact that I do not know what I want to do when I am older. I will not lie, that is a scary statement for me to make, but there will come a time when I need to know. I know when that time comes I will have it more figured out.
I am changing the narrative of my life, and I could not be happier. The amount of pressure that has been uplifted off of me has been nothing but a stress reliever. I encourage you to change your narrative in life if you feel like you are stuck. To be honest, part of me enjoys it (yes, I know that’s very contradicting), but after years of thinking I knew exactly how I wanted things to go, it’s nice now having things be mysterious.
Best of luck and with love,
Sierra
**Edited by Emma Accardi