Ah, the Kentucky Derby: big hats, legal gambling, tiny men, and poorly named horses. This year, there was lots of ~tea~ surrounding last week’s accidental winner, Country House. TLDR: Maximum Security (yes, that’s what someone named their pet) crossed the finish line first, but due to a bizarre foul (don’t ask me to explain it, I was never a Horse Girl ™ and I know nothing), Maximum Security actually lost and Country House won. Honestly, I don’t really care who won because I’m too focused on these names. Just take a look at these horse names.
1st place: Country House
2nd place: Code of Honor
(I feel like this horse wears its UGuides sweatshirt everyday)
3rd place: Tacitus
4th place: Improbable
????
5th place: Game Winner
Sad, because they obviously did not win
6th place: Master Fencer
7th place: War of Will
8th place: Plus Que Parfait
9th place: Win Win Win
Truly tragic, because 9th place is definitely not not not winning
10th place: Cutting Humor
11th place: By My Standards
12th place: Vekoma
13th place: Bodexpress
14th place: Tax
15th place: Roadster
16th place: Long Range Toddy
Sounds alcoholic? Is the jockey okay?
17th place: Maximum Security
He technically came in first but got disqualified. I’m not really sure the logic behind 17th place, but ok
18th place: Spinoff
19th place: Gray Magician
Here are some names my roommates and I came up with for future racehorse names. Take note, Kentucky. We’ve got good ideas.
- Mastering Astronomy
- Bleeper
- Citronella
- Bug on the Wall
- Lose Lose Lose
- Cutoff Jeans
- Cheryl
- Bodak Yellow
- Cankle Biter
- HuzzBuhhBuhh (only UVA band kids will relate)
- Darth Bananas
- Bed, Bath, and Beyond
- Tax Evasion
- Big Mac and Small Fry
- Lipstick
- Donkey Teeth
- Hot Breath
- Handel’s Messiah
- Industrialized Prison Complex
- Ms. Kathy
- Mount St. Helens
- Sweat Licker
- My Mom’s Missing Toes
- Becky with the Good Mane
- Roomba
- Chem 402
- Patrick D. Hogan, Executive Vice President and Chief Operating Officer
[All pictures from kentuckyderby.com]