If someone turns twenty-one and doesn’t post a picture posing with their “first legal drink,” did it even happen? Somewhere along the line, birthdays transformed from anniversaries of the day you were born into full-fledged occasions.
The formula for a basic birthday is simple: an intimate meal with close friends only, a raucous pregame, and approximately ten tagged birthday collages on various social media.
In honor of Thomas Jefferson’s big day, it seemed only fitting to give him the celebration he deserves, but not the one he needs right now. Like Birthday Batman.
The Founding Father seems to have avoided public observances of his nativity. In a letter to his Attorney General in 1803, he confided, “I have declined letting my own birthday be known, and have engaged my family not to communicate it.” The expression of this sentiment, however, has not stopped the event from being enjoyed annually at the University of Virginia and beyond.
Here’s what we imagine a #BasicTJBday to look like:
The Facebook event
A basic birthday is incomplete without both a celebratory pregame and a Facebook event with a concomitantly witty description of the bacchanalia. It should be long enough that people don’t think you’re illiterate and unaware of pop culture allusions, but brief enough that people’s eyes don’t glaze over while reading.
In Jeffersonian terms, it should be the pithy preamble to the ensuing debaucherous magnum opus.
Title: More Like Declaration of IndepenDANCE
When: Sunday, April 12 at 10:00 PM
Where: The Lawn (obvi)
Invited by The Purple Shadows
About: “I cannot live without booze” – Tommy J
Our boy Teej is turning the big TWO-SEVEN-TWO, so it’s time to celebrate! Gin bucket and Monti-jello shots will–obviously–be provided, but BYOB if you’re feeling extra ~*thirsty~*.
The festivities start on April 12th at Standard Preeg Time (read: 10PM, don’t be late!!!!). Around sunrise, we’ll give Tommy Boy some Ro-Toasts at the Roto with our fave concoction, Purple Drank, before heading to the Lawn to do our thang (streaking anyone??). Join us after for our DC Bar Crawl, ending at the Memorial and, probz, without memories lol.
GO TJ, IT’S YA BIRTHDAY.
The Picstitch
The festive picstitch is an essential facet of the basic birthday. It’s important to choose pictures where you look incredible and the celebrant doesn’t look noticeably horrifying. The caption should describe exactly how much you love your friend, a reasonable inside joke ratio, and an appropriate amount of emojis.
There are, however, variations on a theme. Most well-intentioned picstitches manifest in a thesis-long description of affection and esoteric references that only make sense to the people featured in the collage. See below:
@umadisonbro: To the Boston to my tea party, the liberty to my bell, and the taxation to my representation. A VERY HAPPY 272ND BIRTHDAY TO @noplacelikedome! Thanks for always being an amazing friend. I love spending late nights talking about our fave books and listening to Bach on repeat. Can’t forget that time we got lost on our way to you-know-where to visit you-know-who. Honestly can’t believe I was #blessed enough to find someone who shares my love of the sugar maple! Love you, bro! *birthday cake emoji*