I’m sure you’ve seen this discourse thread on Twitter, TikTok, Reddit, etc, but I think it’s really funny, so I’m going to provide my own take on it. If you haven’t heard of this before, even better! Now you get to experience the epitome of Gen Z humor.
Before we even start, a Victorian-era child is used to joke about someone who is sickly and looks like they won’t survive the winter. Historically speaking, poor children from this period were forced to work long hours starting from a young age to support their families. I have no idea how this became a meme, but humor isn’t always clear, so we’re going to roll with it. Anyway, the joke is that in this period people lived to the ripe old age of childbirth, were fed solely bread and milk, and didn’t really experience life. Therefore, here are some things from today that I think would absolutely demolish a Victorian age child.
- Flavor Blasted Xtra Cheddar Goldfish Crackers
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These crackers are so full of flavor and tang that I genuinely think it would give a Victorian-era child a heart attack. There is around 270mg of sodium in a serving size 50 pieces. This is a lot of salt even for me and makes my tongue tingly. I think this specific flavor faced a recall a few years ago due to possible salmonella contamination. That would have definitely killed someone, regardless of the time period. These crackers would flavor blast these kids to their doom.
- 5 Hour Energy
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The extra strength version contains caffeine equal to 12 ounces of the leading premium coffee. Too much caffeine can cause nervousness, trouble sleeping, nausea, vomiting, rapid heartbeats, and higher blood pressure. My mom doesn’t even let me buy these as she claims they are “poison in a bottle.” These energy shots are not recommended for children already, imagine what it’d do to one from the mid-1800s.
- “What Does the Fox Say” by Ylvis
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This song owned a good part of 2013 and was lowkey kinda catchy but got annoying really fast. Fun fact: it was actually created to make fun of Americans and the fact that they’d make any song with a good beat go viral regardless of the lyrics. Funny how it actually happened. The 120 bpm of the song alone would take out a child from the olden days but add in the lyrics and pitch, and I guarantee they’d be knocked out. This song would do so well in psychological or sonic warfare.
- Popping boba balls
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These are the popping ball toppings that you’d probably most commonly find at a froyo place. These balls contain fruit juices that burst when you bite into them. I enjoy these more than the froyo, but I think the initial shock from this supposedly sweet treat popping would make them pass out. Bonus points for the boba being of more flavor than the stale bread they ate.
- A McDonald’s Sprite
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This with those fountain machine ice cubes hit different. It’s like inhaling a fizzy glacier. McDonald’s fountain machine drinks just hit different. I wonder how often they even clean it. A Sprite should not have that much flavor and pizzaz; I have no idea how they accomplished the feat of changing a whole taste by only putting it in a fountain drink machine.
- Pop Rocks
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These things literally explode in your mouth. It’s like a mini bomb going off and would definitely catch them off guard. Even if you know what’s going to happen, you don’t really know until that first pop goes off.
- Botox
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This one I don’t have reasoning for. I just think that if a Victorian era child saw someone who had a face that didn’t change with expressions would freak them out. If they got botox themselves they’d probably perish on the operating table.
- Fresh Air
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After working in the factories all day inhaling all that smoke couldn’t have possibly been good for them. Regardless, that’s probably what they were used to (even if it did lead to their early demise). If they inhaled clean air like from the forests in Alaska or something like that, I think their lungs would explode. Same vibe as drinking a McD’s Sprite.
- Warheads Candy
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These things are killer, especially the lemon flavored ones. The sourness physically makes your jaw sore. One tiny cough drop sized Warheads candy probably contains more flavor than a 19th-century peasant had in their whole lifetime. One second of this in their mouth and boom dead.
- Frozen Thin Mints
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This goes along with the fresh air and McD’s sprite logic. Mint, water, and gum all together taste like hypothermia. The icy cool is prickly and almost spicy. Frozen thin mints are like the food version of that. The deliciousness and cold would blow anyone away.
I hope you enjoyed my completely 100% accurate historical analysis (kidding). I’m pretty sure people in the 1800s had cocaine in their medicine and that kids would probably drink alcohol, so maybe these Victorian era children were stronger than I think. But these reasons are probably why they died very young, so I still think my reasonings make sense.