I had an “almost” relationship with a guy whom I really liked. But after dates, fun nights, and many conversations, I only emerged from that situation with frustration, sadness, and confusion when he stopped all communication. I felt really rejected. I saw him again recently for the first time, and it brought up feelings that I had convinced myself I had gotten over. Which led me to even more uncomfortable emotions of frustration with myself. Why do I still feel so sad? Why do I still like him? We were never in a relationship, so why is it hard to get over this person?
- What is an “almost relationship”?
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What defines someone as your-man-who-is-not-your-man-but-really-should-be-your-man (or woman)? Obviously, everyone has their own definition of an almost relationship, and it loosely refers to anyone who you want a more involved relationship with than what you’re currently getting. This can be someone who has avoided making it official for too long, a hookup buddy you want to turn into your boyfriend or girlfriend, a close friend you are secretly in love with, an on-again off-again relationship, someone you like but barely knows you exist… the possibilities are endless. But however you define it, these situations usually have a few things in common: you are not making progress toward a committed relationship, both of you are on different pages, and there’s rarely closure when they end.
- It’s a different kind of loss
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There is one main difference between actual romantic relationships and the ones I am talking about. When two people break up, there is usually no question that you both gave it a shot. You tried it out, and either one or both of you decided it wasn’t the best idea. That’s not to say that breakups are easy, but the pain takes a different form. Here, it is about potential. I never knew what it would be like to be this person’s girlfriend, and I am left wondering what “could have been.” It makes it that much harder to let go when they end. All I had was my wild imagination of a perfect relationship with him. This potential is lost, and with it a theoretical relationship that could have been something great.
- It is hard to admit the sadness
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It took me a while to validate my feelings, both to myself and others, after it ended so abruptly. I wasn’t sure if my friends would understand that this was someone important to me since we never actually dated. I shouldn’t care, we had only known each other for a few months and it was never anything serious. It wasn’t a real breakup. But “should” is a dangerous word. Because the truth is, I was hurt, and I am allowed to be upset that I lost that potential with him. Just because nothing was technically official, doesn’t mean there weren’t expectations: telling my friends he liked me, making promises to talk and facetime (that he never kept), implies something that felt very real to me. Validating my emotions and acknowledging that I am allowed to feel this way was a powerful step that took me too long to take.
- How to create closure
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It seems as if everyone has a story of an almost-relationship. This theme of lost hope and faith in romantic connection and the sadness of accepting the reality that you’re still as single as ever is all too familiar. Whenever relationships like these end, we’re only left with our side of the story: how I acted, what I said, what I could have done differently. And rarely will we ever be able to fill in the gaps of the other person’s viewpoint. The truth is I am never going to find closure. I will never know what was going on in his head to make him act the way he did. But what I can do is create that closure for myself. I have to write my own ending to this story, and it is one where I move on and accept that he was not right for me. I know that in his heart he is a good guy, but he also made it clear that I deserve so much better than someone who would leave another this emotionally exhausted. Looking back now, I am confident in saying that it wouldn’t have been the idealistic relationship I may have once dreamt about. I would have never been as happy as I thought. It has been an important step for me to accept that my fantasies of any type of future with him were not even close to realistic. We all deserve better than an “almost” relationship.