Name: Jared Cunningham
Hometown: Alexandria, VA
Year: 4th
Major: Foreign Affairs
Activities around grounds: Racquetball at Slaughter; looking at
construction; basketball at AFC with people who are way taller than I
am; sitting out on the lawn with a guitar and a puppy to get
attention; and hitting on the O’Hill card-swiping girl, Hajer.
Proudest moment: I won the Pinewood Derby in cub scouts when I was 9,
and then sometime later in life a band that I play in called Sing Me
Insomnia put out a record that sold a bunch of copies, and charted on
Billboard the week of its debut. That was cool, but I’m kind of
calloused, because nothing beats winning the Pinewood Derby in cub
scouts.
Idea of a perfect date: I get to your apartment at 7:58pm to pick you
up. I know I said I’d be there at 8, but I was too excited to wait
those last 2 minutes. I sit in the car until 8:01 so you don’t think
I’m some type of over-eager weirdo. I walk up to the door with flowers
in hand. I’m wearing a belt AND suspenders, because safety first. I
have no regrets about the amount of Hollister cologne I’ve applied.
You open the door. Your hair looks nice, so I say that it does. You
say thank you, and ask if I want to smell it. I say no thanks, but you
insist, so I do – strawberry mango. You ask what the plan is, I tell
you that we’ll be having dinner at Runk, and then go back to my place
to catch up on a few episodes of How I Met Your Mother that I missed.
These aren’t my actual plans, but I want to underwhelm you so that you
can’t be disappointed. I surprise you by taking you to Qdoba. “They
have great guacamole,” I say. “I don’t like avocado,” you say. We put
our differences aside. I make one too many jokes about you spilling
queso on your blouse, but that’s fine, because you’re “saving it for
later”. Classic. We step out of Qdoba after we have finished eating.
That’s when you see it. Hot air balloon with your name on it. We get
in, and soar into the clouds. You ask why I have brought you up here.
I tell you that it’s too loud down on the ground; I want to listen to
you – really listen good and well to everything you have to say. I
love listening to women talk. Cosmo told me girls like that. We talk
about our dreams, and how we both call our Grandmas “Nana”. Such a
cute coincidence. I tell you that I wrote a song about the first time
I saw you. It’s cute and not creepy, so I play it for you on my
acoustic guitar, and sing a couple lines about how much I appreciated
that you weren’t wearing uggs. The song makes you giggle a bit, and,
after it’s over, you lean in to kiss me. I turn and let you kiss me on
the cheek – I don’t want to move too fast. “Maybe after a couple more
glasses of the champagne I have provided,” I say. That did the trick.
The hot air balloon lands right outside of your apartment, and the
landlord is furious. We don’t care, our love is real. As you walk back
towards your door, I tell you that I hope that you are free on
Thursday, because I want to take you to SPCA so we can play with
puppies. “I’ll be there”, you say softly, biting your lip to try to
keep the wide smile accumulating on your face from seeping through. I
go back home to my roommates, and they ask what we did on our date.
“We went to Runk”, I say. I’m not one to kiss and tell. Can’t wait
until Thursday.
That, or bowling. There’s a good bowling spot on 29 down near iHop.
If I could date any Disney princess it would be: Mulan. She is
independent, and doesn’t let her central goal become hunting down a
Ken doll doppleganger prince. She cares about bringing honor to her
family, and protecting her father. Also, the haircut scene is super
hot. She’s really attractive for a drawing.
Most embarrassing moment: Aside from 2 minutes ago when multiple other
people in the library asked me why I was writing a trashy romance
novel as I described my perfect date, I’d have to say the time that I
hit myself in the mouth with a baseball bat. It left my lips
permanently a little bigger though, so I guess I have that instance to
thank for that.
If I could be reborn as anyone it would be: One of my little brothers,
because I am an awesome older brother.
Something people don’t know about me: I recently found a kitten, lost
and dirty, on Wertland street. She crawled over to me, so I took her
home, and now she lives with me. She’s about 5 months old, and her
name is Charlie. I’m a dog person, but she is making a pretty solid
case for liking kittens too.
My biggest inspiration: Muggsy Bogues. The man is 5’3″ and played in
the NBA. He was also great in Space Jam.
One thing I can’t live without: I want to say music, but that’s
cliché, so I’m going to say Lucky Charms.
I feel most attractive in my: senior year of high school
If I could give girls one piece of advice it would be: Don’t be afraid
to laugh. Guys love feeling like they are making you enjoy yourself.
Also, please stop posting duck-face pictures on Facebook. I get it,
you can make yourself look like a duck, but you don’t see guys hitting
on ducks.