“Lucky Lady” is a phrase that has never once been used to describe me. At the ripe age of 22, I have dated one person in my life and that relationship occurred in high school. There hasn’t even been a one night tryst or a summer fling. Just me, straight vibing, by myself. This is completely fine (and really not that abnormal), but it is to say that my love life is not and never has been poppin’. Now, as an elderly Fourth Year, I’m not ashamed to say that I’m getting kind of desperate. I’ve tried most of the dating apps available and I’m just not that into it (but this doesn’t stop me from continuing to swipe left and right for hours on end). I’ve really given it my all on these apps but it never seems to work out. This is unfortunate seeing that I’ve yet to meet a hipster boy in a coffee shop, a sweet bookworm in an old bookstore, or a guy that I hate with the potential of being my Mr. Darcy. My friends haven’t even set me up on a blind date, like how my grandparents met. Maybe I need new friends.
My hitherto unsuccessful love life has led me to the deepest and darkest of options: Facebook Dating. Yes, that is correct, I (temporarily) put the fate of my heart into Mark Zuckerberg’s hands, and thus Vladimir Putin’s as well. Even if I don’t get a boyfriend from Facebook, maybe there’s a cute Russian who has now fallen in love with my data. KGB hotties aside, I figured I would try it out. I had nothing to lose, besides the government potentially using my dating profile pictures as a means for facial recognition software. I was also curious about what Facebook would bring me. After all, Facebook Dating is most likely the worst dating platform purely because it’s hosted by Facebook, a site used only by college kids posting party invites, your racist uncle, anti-vaxxers, and your old high school English teacher who accidentally updates their status every time they want to use the search bar.
To get started in the Zuckerberg Tunnel of Love, tap the cute little heart at the bottom of the screen and it brings you to this page. I’m giving a step-by-step walkthrough because if I had to subject myself to Facebook Dating, I’m bringing you with me.
It then asks personal questions and has you upload a profile picture. This is the one I chose, which I’m posting publicly here because I’m cute and I want everyone to know.
Facebook tells you who will be able to see your profile and what you’re agreeing to, but of course, I didn’t read the terms and conditions because I already know Facebook isn’t going to follow them anyway.
After filling out more information and answering personality questions, my profile looked like this! I didn’t put a lot of effort into this one (because I had low expectations) but it’s not a horrible profile as far as internet profiles go. I’m not holding a dead fish and I stand by that decision.
A “fun” feature of Facebook Dating is Secret Crush. This is where you add people that you like without having to swipe on them. But, they’ll only know you like them if they also add you to their secret crush list. The main problem with this is that none of the people I would be interested in use Facebook Dating, which means they will never see that someone has a crush on them, nor add me as a secret crush. Facebook must be feeling really confident that people will leave Tinder behind and use their dating service instead, but I think I’m the only college student using this platform right now.
I know what y’all are all asking. “Summer, what are the guys like???” Well, honestly, most of them are holding guns and dead animals, took a weird shirtless pic in their bathroom where you can’t even see their face, or it’s just a picture of a truck or tractor. You know, typical dating site stuff. That being said, this also might be because I live in Virginia. The NYC Facebook Dating scene could be totally different and free of dead animals. This guy, whose profile I masterfully edited for his privacy (or what he has left of it), seemed the most normal and least obsessed with firearms. The profile setup looks basically like any other dating site, so it’s not even that special.
I wasn’t expecting much from Facebook Dating, which is good because I didn’t get much. It’s probably the worst dating platform I’ve tried, but that’s most likely because of my preconceived judgments of Facebook Dating and also the sheer amount of weapons I had to swipe left on. I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone, not because it’s inherently evil (although it’s Facebook, so it might be) but because I don’t think you’re going to have much luck finding your soulmate. Her Campus Inc. is partnered with Bumble, so I feel obligated to suggest that instead, though I haven’t had any luck there either. Maybe dating apps just aren’t for me. Maybe my true love lives in Moscow and is tracking my phone right now.