Honest Cover Letter
Dear INSERT RECRUITER NAME HERE,
A pending degree in the liberal arts and sheer desperation led me to your call for an INSERT POSITION HERE. Fresh out of college, I can offer your company a dearth of substantial real-world experience, an aversion to living at home post-grad, and a penchant for using trite buzzwords such as “initiative” and “multitask.”
A detail-driven and results-oriented planner, I maintain a prolific Instagram presence involving end-to-end project management. From acquisition to finish, I carefully choose to upload one out of a series of essentially the same picture, continually harass friends until filter consensus is reached, and then consistently refresh my notifications to evaluate success. As a seasoned digital curator, my profile is comprised largely of study abroad photos. This shows that I am cultured and worldly, much like Pitbull and Bono. In fact, intellectually curious, I once attempted to memorize all the words to Sean Paul’s “Temperature” as a party trick.
What’s more, because I am deeply familiar with industry metrics, I thoughtfully consider the wittiness of captions in order to maximize post engagement. When the desired amount of likes is not achieved in a given time, I canvass close friends in order to reach my goal, demonstrating that I am persuasive, resourceful, and able to handle pressure with aplomb. Thus, I have honed both excellent decision-making skills and the ability to delegate.
Additional tools in my technological skill set include back-stalking my online presence in order to analyze trends and developing my research skills by Googling how to stream television shows online without an account. Having recently completed binge-watching the newest season of House of Cards, I pride myself on keeping up to date with current events.
Financially savvy and adaptable, when I find myself out of Ramen, I use my remaining budget to buy Taco Bell. Having long since memorized the combo number, I rarely have to repeat myself at the drive-thru, which is evidence of my verbal communication skills. I sometimes receive free cinnamon sticks due to my ability to foster and maintain interpersonal relationships.
I’m probably not a perfect fit for INSERT POSITION. However, I am about to graduate, and I do know a job offer is step one of getting my life together. I’m interested in your company because I could probably do a 9-to-5 without pulling all my hair out and using my work account to send whiney g-chats to friends. I am fully prepared to serve as a glorified pledge, like a less haggard and confused version of Anne Hathaway early in The Devil Wears Prada. Please, please, please don’t send me a rejection e-mail.
Hoping not to write another one,
Funemployed and Frantic