How to Not Die on Spring Break

In just 3 short days, Spring Break will be upon us. You’re probably miserable sitting in class thinking about the beach house you and your squad rented, how cute you’re going to look in your new bathing suit, and how much alcohol fueled fun you’ll be having.  As a spring break veteran, I’ve learned all the tips and tricks to make sure you don’t end up dead, missing, or even worse - hungover the whole next day. So, since you’re not paying attention in class, you might as well learn to have the best spring break ever from someone who’s made all the classic rookie mistakes.

Don’t Try to Go Too Hard on the First Day

Seriously. Don’t do it. I know you’re hella excited to it the beach and crack open that bottle of watermelon Smirnoff, but here’s a few things to think about: 1. You’re probably exhausted from your drive. When have being so tired your eyes feel like they are crying tears of blood and mixing alcohol ever worked for you? That’s right - never. 2. Do you really want to be hungover the whole next day? Chances are you’re not only exhausted, but starving. We all know these don’t mix well. You don’t want to be like me my freshman year, where I pregamed with a handle of that delicious watermelon Smirnoff, then got so drunk at the Hangout in Gulf Shores that I could only speak in Greek letters - all this after driving 7 hours and 40 minutes from Houston at 4 am. All I could do the next day was cry at the sight of alcohol, and lay on the beach trying not to vomit while all of my more responsible friends enjoyed their day. Don’t be like me.

Water and Proper Nutrition is Essential

For some dumb reason, I thought I was being money savvy and smart by only buying frozen corn dogs and ketchup at the grocery store when we got in. Seriously, I’m not kidding. I ate hot dogs dipped in fried corn starch all week all while literally ingesting no other liquids than vodka and coconut rum, and the thought never crossed my mind that this might actually kill me. Sure enough, on the way back from New Orleans my ear started to hurt, and by the time we reached Houston, I had a full blown case of the flu. My poor best friend had to drive 8 hours all by herself in traffic while I sat in the passenger seat delusional and sweating like a whore in church from my fever. So kids, remember to make sure you’re properly nourishing your body while you turn up. Don’t be like me.

Don’t Be "THAT" Girl

Whether it’s having sex on the beach (definitely 100% not me bc “ewe”), twerking with two women old enough to be my mom on the bar (possibly me), or making out with a midget on a dare (I plead the fifth), you don’t want to be the girl that’s so much drunker than every other drunk person in the room that you become a spectacle and end up on Tosh.0 (not me, but a girl I knew. It was HILARIOUS). As someone who’s about to graduate and start applying for jobs, it gives me nightmares to think about one of these videos showing up out of the blue and a future employer seeing me like that. Plus, let’s be real, people are nosy af and love to gossip. Do you really want your professor to overhear a conversation two people are having about you and how you couldn’t stop showing everyone your boobs for beads? Didn’t think so. Just remember to have fun, but not too much fun. Don’t be like me when it comes to making out with midgets.

Watch Out for Yourself, Friends and, and Others

Nothing will kill your buzz more than something bad happening to one of your friends or someone around you. My sophomore year, one of my best friends who wasn’t even staying in our house fell drunkenly asleep in my bed. I woke up to her that night choking and aspirating on her own vomit because she was so drunk and dazed that she couldn’t even roll over. If I hadn’t woken up, I really don’t know if she’d be alive today. In another instance, my friends left me at the bar that night I couldn’t even speak English. I ended up walking (blacked out) to find my hotel 3-4 miles down the road. Somehow, by the grace of God I ended up in the lobby of some random hotel, and a really great guy somehow was able to get enough English words out of me to figure out my name, get my phone password, and call one of my friends who was sober to come get me. I ended up fine, and with a funny story, but this could have gone very bad very fast. Have fun, but remember to be careful. Don’t be like me and put yourself in unnecessary danger.

Invest in a Water Proof Fanny Pack

 

Keep your parents from wanting to kill you after you lost your 4th iPhone and an extra stash of alchhol or snacks on you with a good fanny pack. Dont be like me and make yourself walk all the way back to your condo to get a granola bar because you're starving.

It’s Okay to Pee in the Water

Trust me, everyone else is doing it. Why do you think the water is so brown? Just don’t be like me and drop your phone into the Atlantic Ocean in PCB.

 

So kids, the moral of the story is, don't be like me. Be smart, and learn from my mistakes. Let's be real though, you won't.