Daddy Issues: A Never Ending Cycle

On Christmas Day 2017, the world I was comfortable in soon exposed me to my darkest fears. The holiday that usually brings family together, tore my family apart in a matter of 12 hours. It was a holiday I will never forget, finding out my dad is having an affair with another married woman.

 

The day is Mother’s Day of 2018, the man who raised me and built his life so I can have mine-- has left. My heart was pounding. I can hear the loud beats as I lay in my bed like a Pill Bug, because that’s the only position that makes me look asleep when really I’m awake. I can hear the sounds of shuffling feet and trash bags.

Cries of sorrow. I thought men were supposed to be macho, yet my dad was the most vulnerable he could has ever been. I was scared to face him, because I didn’t know what I would do. Would I yell and scream, or would I just hug him?

 

Day 1:

It hasn’t hit me yet that he won’t be back home. I haven’t cried yet. Surprisingly, I’m handling this better than I thought.

 

Day 3:

It hit me. He’s not coming back. I feel numb. I don’t know how to comprehend my emotions or handle anything. I don't want to go home, because it just feels sad. On the other hand, I feel bad for leaving my mom all by herself. It’s like I’m stuck on this ferris wheel that just has no ending... it just keeps going and going. I’m passing the same rollercoaster, the same food booths, the same everything.

 

When are things going to get easier? I’m waiting for my silver lining, but what the hell does that even mean?

 

Day 5:

I talk to him like nothing is wrong. I’m scared to find out how he is feeling, because what if I don’t like his answer?

Is this the best decision you could have made? Did you move in with her? Do her kids make you feel different? Do you even miss us?

God, I wish you both decided this when I was younger, so I wouldn’t understand.

 

I’m not used to this and I don't know if it will get better. I miss you Dad. This is a nightmare that I can’t wake up from. You say you don’t want to make this my problem, but it is my problem.

 

This is my problem.