Why I Wish I Could Relive My Past

I remember the simplest of times when I would come home from school and pile up in my bed, waiting for my favorite TV show to come on. I remember when I would complain about what was for dinner, even though I didn’t put forth any effort into helping my grandmother prepare it. I remember when I would take for granted that I didn’t have to pay for gas or insurance or bills. I remember the simplest and best times of my life, and I would give anything to go relive those days.

Growing up, my grandmother took care of me. I was always jealous of the kids around me who would get to go home to their parents, the kids who seemingly had perfect lives. I don’t think I ever realized how much my grandmother actually did for me back then. After she had raised three kids of her own and gotten them out of the house, she volunteered to take me in, something that no nearly-60-year-old should have to do. My actions growing up definitely didn't show my appreciation for all that she did for me. I’m not a bad person, but I definitely could have been a better person in my middle school/high school years.

If I could relive my past, I would say thank you more. I was never very good at this, probably because I didn’t know that I should be thankful. I was handed everything that I wanted when I was younger. I was never forced to get a job or do an immense amount of chores, and I had all of my free time to spend how I wanted. If I could change things, I would say thank you to my grandmother for all that she did for me and all that she continues to do today even though I am a grown, responsible adult.

If I could relive my past, I would help out more. I always used homework as an excuse to never help with cleaning or dinner, even when I knew I didn’t have that much homework to finish. Helping out would have been the least I could do to show my gratitude, and it is something I definitely wish I could change about the past me.

If I could relive my past, I would get a job. I didn’t know what bills were back then, so why did I need a job? Well, I went all of my high school years asking for money when I wanted to do something, and I didn’t even feel ashamed about it. I got a job as soon as I graduated, but I had to teach myself how to manage money all on my own; if I had gotten a job in high school, I could have gotten advice from the family around me about how to save and manage money. Instead, I had to learn about money the hard way, meaning I had just a few too many online shopping sprees. I always took it for granted when my grandmother would hand me a 20 dollar bill and I was only going to need five of it to get into the football game. I would say, “I have all this extra money, so I need to spend it as soon as I can,” instead of saying, “I should put this money back and save it for when I might need it.” This has been, by far, one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn, so I would definitely go back and change some things in order to ease some of my stress.

If I could relive my past, I would love more. I always was hard towards people, again because I was jealous or angry because I didn’t think I had a perfect childhood like those around me. However, I was very, very wrong. I couldn’t have possibly asked for more than what was handed to me, and I couldn’t have asked for people who loved me more than those family members who surrounded me. Even though I didn’t have a “mom” or a “dad,” I had a grandmother and a grandfather, as well as aunts and uncles and cousins who gave me more love than my own mother or father would have been capable of. I realize now that no one has a perfect childhood, and no one has a perfect life. Everyone struggles with his or her own problems, and I wish I would have realized this a lot sooner.

If I could relive my past, I would be a better person in a lot of ways. However, I can’t relive my past, no matter how much I want to. That just means that I have to be a better person now, by spending as much time as possible with the family I have left. I have to do and say the things I wish I had said and done when I was younger. I have to make up for all those years of being distant and cold. I have to be a better person, not just for my grandmother and those others who helped raised me to be the person I am today, but I have to be a better person for myself.

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