When you’re fifteen there are two people you trust more than life itself: your best friend and your boyfriend. No, this is not a practical way of thinking, but it’s reality. At a time in your life where you feel like the world is against you, you take refuge in the two people who swear to never to let you down. So what do you do when they simultaneously fail you?
One night when I was 15, my boyfriend asked me to walk him to his car, and when he wanted more than that, he didn’t take no for an answer. I didn’t know what to do. I was a child, I was scared and I didn’t want to tell my parents. So I did what any girl my age would do. I called my best friend. After 5 calls, 20 texts, and what felt like a million years she picked up. When I told her what had happened I waited for her to tell me what to do, and what she would say next changed my life.
After hearing all I had to say, she responded in five simple words, “Well, his friend just died.” She wasn’t wrong– his friend had just passed away. To me, what she said made sense. I couldn’t be the girl who broke up with the boy whose friend died. After all, I was supposed to comfort him…right?
Her words followed me. They spoke to me that night and for nights just like that for months and months. They followed me every time he cheated and every time that same friend would come to me barring more bad news about my “wonderful” boyfriend. Her words followed me when she urged me to leave him and when she ultimately left me because I didn’t.
I refused to be the girl who left the boy with a dead friend, so I became the girl that stayed with her rapist. He turned me into a person who no one could recognize, including myself. He turned me into a person who questioned her udder existence– a girl who couldn’t see her own worth because he had taken that from her, too. I became the girl who could have left but didn’t.
My reason for writing this, though, has nothing to do with what the boy did. I am writing this because all too often we don’t know what to do when we are put in the situation my friend and I were in. I didn’t know what to do, so I called her. She didn’t know what to do, so she said the first thing that came to her mind.
This didn’t need to happen. While dealing with the nightmare that my life was becoming, I was taking a health class in school. I was learning about drugs, alcohol and sex. When they spoke about sex they told you not to do it, but if you did, you needed use contraception. When they spoke about drugs and alcohol, they told you the implications of abusing substances, how to say no, how to help those around you if they were being pressured into drinking or using drugs and why we should never drink and drive. I was 15 when I was raped. I wasn’t even old enough to legally drive.
Why are we telling kids who aren’t old enough to drive to avoid drunk driving? Why did I know the legal blood alcohol level for an individual over 21, but not who to call after a sexual assault? We are teaching students things that will be useful in SIX years but nothing about what could save their lives tomorrow.
If I had known who to talk to or if my friend knew what to say, I wouldn’t be writing this today. We need to get over the stigma of sexual assault and start teaching consent. We have to understand that it is never the victim’s fault, and there is never an excuse for denying a person their right to say no. It’s easy to pretend these things don’t happen, but what if it was your daughter, sister, friend or even you? Wouldn’t you wish someone had told you what to do?
If you or anyone you know is ever in this situation, please know that our campus has the resources to take care of you and your needs. Contact Public safety. Go to Student Health. Both places will provide you with the answers for the steps you can take and how to protect yourself, and it’s always important to remember it’s not your fault. We are lucky enough that our campus provides protection under Title IX for victims of sexual assault and plenty of trained individuals to handle these situations that can be overwhelming.
If you are ever on campus and in immediate danger, call 911 or campus police at 881.7777.
There are also multiple resources for those who are suffering and need advice after such a traumatizing event, and you should most definitely take advantage of these resources.
Tennessee Domestic Violence Hotline
(800) 356-6767
WRAP (Wo/Men’s Resource & Rape Assistance Program)
(800) 273-8712
National Sexual Assault Hotline
(800) 656-HOPE (4673)
Always remember you are not alone.