Let me start by saying that this is not a story about how I got saved or my beliefs. This is more of a story about when I started seeing the truth in people’s actions and words, and realizing the irony between the two.
Have you ever had a moment where you receive a gift from someone and you are absolutely speechless? I’m not talking about the good way, such as receiving a car or a puppy, but more along the lines of a getting underwear from your grandparents. Well for me, this moment happened at my high school graduation. In the midst of the picture taking and screaming goodbyes, my father walks up to me; my father who has not been a part of my life by his choice since November of 2014. All of my academic and extracurricular achievements, proms and birthdays were all attended to solely by my mom and close family friends. So to see him at my high school graduation detonated many mixed emotions for me. He walked up to me, hugged me and handed me a Bible. Now, I know to most this does not seem at all beastly, but to me it was a moment of realization that led to a lot of clarity with my emotions.
The backstory for this event starts when I was in elementary school. At this age, we used to attend a large church in a neighboring town with a big youth program and many family friends. Being a young, innocent child, I loved to go to church and see my friends, attend the Awanas program, and parade around selling cookies to all the deacons and the church body during Girl scout season. I loved going to the main worship service with my parents and attending the concerts of Christian singers. Then suddenly, when I was 7 years old, all of our involvement in the church stopped. I remember the deacons and their wives coming to visit us at home and check on my family. I remember asking why we were missing church and asking when I could see my friends again, but after a while the questions faded away.
Growing up, my father always told us stories of church trips and church camps, and getting to travel with the elderly groups on their retreats, and it seemed like he had been all over the country. He also told us the stories of the friendships he had with everyone in his church, and as I got older, I began to wonder why I didn’t have that and why it seemed that I was not allowed to have that.
In 2014, my parents separated. There were many issues over many years that led up to the divorce, and ultimately for the safety of myself, my mother and my younger sister became involved. After another year or so, I began to start putting the puzzle pieces together. As I learned more about the brewing issues of my parents’ relationship and realized all of the lies I was fed by my father as a kid, I began to see the truth from a new angle. As a child, we all believe everything our parents say, so every excuse and lie I was told, I did not question. Now that I am older, the continuance of my father’s lying, cheating and selfish behavior has only revealed more and more of his true colors. For years my father has put on an act of being a devout Christian and acting like the best father and husband, however this is far from the truth.
It has taken me over a year to fully process my feelings, and to see and understand that when my family stopped going to church and other events, it was because someone had started to see through the lies that my father told, and keeping my family uninvolved and in solitude was his way of keeping his false life safe. I missed out on learning valuable lessons, trips, camps, friendships and so much more, all because my father’s web of lies had been threatened, because someone had seen his real behavior aside from the show he put on.
So at my graduation, when my father walked up to me and handed me a Bible, I was paralyzed with emotions because someone that has led a life so far from Christ and so far from everything he claimed to be raised from had the audacity to hand me a Bible. From this I have a whole new perspective of a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I have learned from this that there are false teachers even closer than one would like to believe. I have been pushed by my mom to think for myself and to not be scared to ask questions or challenge information that I’ve been given. I have learned to go back and ask myself what scares me and why I have held on to some of the things my father said years ago for so long. Some days, a memory will hit me like a ton of bricks and I hate that I felt the way I did years ago even though it was not my fault, I was simply believing my parents as every child does. Only recently has it began to get easy for me to erase all of the lies and to see through all the excuses I was fed. My entire perspective of my childhood has shifted. I often feel like as I play memories in my head and I am watching a different person and not myself just a few years ago. I wonder now if this is a test given to me by God, or if I should perceive this to be not a test of faith, but an event to take, learn and to growth my faith from. I am no longer scared or intimidated by going back to church, and I no longer have anyone in my way of doing that either.