They say that there’s plenty of fish in the sea. But you know what’s also in the sea? Trash. A lot of trash. However, amongst the ocean of toxic men, I found my boyfriend.
I always thought myself to be so privileged and lucky to find a kind and caring partner who supports me in everything I do, but I started to realize that it wasn’t that I was lucky: the standards for men are just incredibly low.
I once had a friend who lived with her boyfriend. He didn’t help out with chores, only made quesadillas (she hates cheese), and spent all night gaming and slept all day because he dropped out of college to be an “entrepreneur.” Her exact description of him was that he was narcissistic, arrogant and manipulative, but she said she loved him and that they would work it out.
I had another friend who dated a man who was a casual racist. She was always trying to make excuses for his racism by saying that it was just a joke, except “jokes” at the expense of others are not jokes. He told me to stop getting offended so easily, but the punchline of his humor promoted harmful stereotypes and the dehumanization of people of color. My friend said she’d talk to him but he never listened.
Another friend of mine spent years of her life building up her boyfriend’s life. She got him an entirely new wardrobe, got him on a skincare regimen and cleared his acne, and got him on track to college to become a nurse. However, in the end, he chose to lie about going to college to live with his friends. On top of that, he refused to communicate with her while they were long distance.
Friend after friend, horror story after horror story, one tragic tale after another by people who have had their hearts and bodies broken by undeserving trashy men. If you want to avoid this, my biggest suggestion to you, you beautiful queen who is worthy and deserving of all the love and kindness in the world, is to date a feminist.
My boyfriend is an intersectional feminist. Feminism is the advocacy for equality regardless of your sex. Intersectionality is a branch of feminism that asserts how different aspects of social and political identity discrimination can overlap. For example, I am an Asian American woman, he is an Asian American man. Though he is constantly discriminated against for being Asian, he acknowledges that I have more struggles being both a woman and Asian and helps me fight the discrimination I face.
I always knew he was caring, kind, gentle, funny, and more. He lets me burrow under his arm in bed when I’m too cold. He stays up past midnight to help me with my chemistry homework. He walked a mile uphill lugging a three-foot-tall stuffed animal because I was having a bad day and he knew I wanted one. But the times where I see how much he truly loves me is when he stands up for me. When members of a group he worked with were sexually harassing me and being racist, he left the group. When people ignore my ideas and suggestions he tells them to listen to me. When I had an ovarian cyst burst and turned away at the hospital because they thought I was just having menstrual cramps, he was ready to fly back to Utah to sue the hospital. But what he does isn’t just because I’m his girlfriend or because he “has mothers and sisters.” It’s because he’s a decent human being. That’s it.
By having someone who will stand up for you, they show that they truly value you and that your feelings and emotions will be heard, which is essential to communication in relationships. By dating someone who does not acknowledge you, you remain in an unequal partnership which can lead to toxic and hurtful relationships.
So if your man tells you he doesn’t like you speaking to friends, drop him and have a friends’ night out. If he tells you he thinks you should reconsider your career for your future children, yeet him out of your life and go get that Ph.D. If he tells you that he thinks you should lose some weight, listen to him, drop 175lbs of basketball shorts and ego and go get some pizza.
Life is too short to allow incompetent men with manipulative and abusive behavior to ruin your mental health. You may be feeling lonely now, you may feel like the world is collapsing around you and you are desperately yearning for someone to reach out and be the light in the dark. Or maybe you might just want a boyfriend right now for his body heat to keep you warm in the winter. Regardless, I promise you this, you are not alone and it will get better. You will not freeze this winter. I promise you there is a feminist out there who will love you wholly and completely without judgment. Be patient and don’t settle for anyone less than you deserve. Because you don’t deserve a James Franco, you deserve a Justin Trudeau.