The dating game: more often than not a chase of cat and mouse, where cat relentlessly DMs mouse, offers dinner dates, paints oneself as the stand-alone “good” cat, and in the end mouse wants nothing to do with it, no matter how long the cat chases. Unfortunately, it’s a rarity when cat and mouse, suitor and maiden, DM’er and the DM’d have equal interest. And more often than not we end up in a rather strange place, asking ourselves the question, “Why do the people we actually want, never want us back?” “Why are we always stuck with the ones we don’t want?” And “why, oh why, do we always find people when we aren’t looking for them?”
The latter of our questions, the comforting words of “you’ll find someone when you stop looking” are annoying at best. But we have to acknowledge that clichés are cliché for a reason—and that reason is, that there’s always ultimately some truth to each and every one of them. Why exactly do we always find people, boyfriends, girlfriends, lovers, when we’re not looking for them? Why is it a reoccurring theme that once we vow to singlehood and write-off relationships, that Mr. (or Mrs.) Right comes stumbling along?
And in order to answer that, we must consider the two versions of ourselves that exist: the person we are when we’re trying to impress someone, and the real us. Think of the “you” sitting at the dinner table on a first date—you’re awkward, and unnatural, and forced, and your laugh too often at jokes you never would, and pretend to take an interest in things you don’t give two sh*ts about. Now think of the “you” sitting on the couch at a crowded party with your friends. You’re not afraid to make racy jokes, or get heated about the pro-life/pro-choice argument, you cackle unabashedly. And most importantly, you attract people that are being their authentic selves, too.
So when we find ourselves at points in our lives when we WANT a relationship, we try to be the date-able archetype. We inevitably shed interests, and opinions, and bad habits, so that we can paint ourselves as somehow desirable to the dating world around us. We spend extra time on our makeup, and our hair, and what we wear, and what we say, and people see right through it—they call your bluff. No one wants to be around someone who’s trying to fit a mold. And I can absolutely assure you that they would much rather have you chew with your mouth open, or crack an inappropriate joke, then try to be someone you’re not.
And while this may sound like common knowledge, how many of us have found ourselves in hopeless crushes, or got sucked into the vortex of pining over our exes? You know those love affairs where we’ve convinced ourselves that with the right outfit, the right social media following, the right reputation, no one could possibly turn us down. And then what happens…we get rejected. Because we’re fake, and phony, and trying to impress people we shouldn’t.
So why exactly are the people that you’re not trying to impress, and aren’t interested in, after you, while the person you “love” couldn’t be bothered? Consider the possibility that you just might be presenting two different versions of yourself, when you message “Guy #2” vs. “Your Long Lost Love.” And though you may be convinced that “perfect” persona you’ve created surely will win him over, might I suggest that you rethink said plan immediately.