If only our cis heteronormative sex education system wasn’t steeped in the doctrine of oppressive oligarchies—one can only dream. After all, nothing says boner-killer like a hypothetical god who may or may not hate you for exploring your relationships through a sexual avenue. Orgasms? Punishable by death, or at least eternal damnation (take your pick). So what do we do when the systems designed to educate us, fail us? You can take your educational salvation into our own hands…or you can wait for articles like these to give you a glimmer of hope in overcoming the religious biases that have clouded your sexual perspective, for years on end. If you decide to side with the latter, look no further: I’ll be Sex Ed tour guide for the day. But buckle your seatbelts, folks; it’s bound to be a bumpy ride of conquering years of hidden internalized misogyny.
First, let’s start by unpacking the rhetoric of “you don’t need to have an orgasm to have good fulfilling sex.” While this argument has the best intentions at heart (aka supporting those who suffering with embarrassing sexual dysfunction), it’s as problematic as it is productive. You see, this narrative, though presented as a gender-neutral sentiment, primarily targets women who may feel unsatisfied with their lack of sexual satisfaction (which is exactly how they should feel). As we all know, our patriarchal universe’s most notable talent is silencing the complaints of minorities (like communities of folx who identify as women), so why would sexual pleasure be any exception in our Keep Your Complaints to Yourself world? Besides unequal gender power dynamics, this rhetoric is an incredibly sacred tool in advancing the agenda of, you guessed it, an abstinence-only sex education program. Because if, god-forbid, we decide to tell adolescent men and women that sex is a pleasurable, euphoric, and orgasmic experience, how then will be able to reign in their insatiable desires to get fucked?
But, as an adult woman, who is fully aware of the rights I have over my own body, I refuse to let a faulty sex education system excuse complacent men who refuse to invest in their partners’ orgasms, nor will I allow women to absorb the toxicity that is “don’t worry about having an orgasm, that isn’t what sex is about.” Now I want to remind you that I don’t entirely blame these “complacent men” for their disinterest in the female orgasm, especially when they are simply byproducts a system that centers sexual intercourse on male orgasm and male ejaculation. It’s not like resources of how to effectively locate the clitoris are falling off the shelves. If anything, heteronormative and borderline abusive pornographies are the closest things we have to transparent discussions of sex in the US. But for those of you who aren’t already aware of the toxic sexual dynamics that porn perpetuates, please don’t use PornHub as your sexual handbook!
Now, for the moment you’ve all been patiently waiting for (after begrudgingly suffering through “yet another feminist rant”): how to successfully make your sexual partner with a vagina orgasm. Now of course, I understand that every vagina has unique needs according to the person it’s actually attached to. But after successfully counseling a group of married women who had (so devastatingly) never orgasmed with their husbands, I can attest that this list of “tips and tricks” is sure to land the job of making of your sexual interest cum. Now remember, close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, so be sure to run all the way to home plate.
1. First step: Watch THIS clip
For those of you who haven’t seen the movie Sleeping with Other People (currently available on Netflix), you are not only in for a delightfully refreshing rom-com which tackles issues of addiction and internalized sexual shame in a playful and lighthearted way, but you’ll also be able to experience one of the most authentic and frighteningly accurate depictions of fingering, known to cinematic history. Full disclosure: I was visibly shaken at how well Sleeping With Other People’s producers captured female sexual pleasure/female masturbation, that during my first-watch I rewinded and re-watched this particular scene three times in a row (and even decided to host my own personal watch parties, during encounters with two different sexual partners, after they claimed to be “lost.”) For those of you who want more explanations and don’t mind a few spoilers, in the scene linked above, main character “Jake” boldly demonstrates to his best female friend “Laney” how to successfully pleasure herself using a juice container. Pay close attention: you won’t want to miss any life-changing details.
2. Like the clip above states very clearly: “sometimes you have to be a little rude to the clitoris.” One of the most common sexual misconceptions that’s made a reoccurring and very unwelcome appearance in my own bedroom is that you have to be “gentle.” As a strong and very powerful woman, “gentle” has never really been my style—bedroom or otherwise. Now, I’m not suggesting that jamming your fingers into my cervix equals success. So, I’ll say this one more time for the people in the back—JAMMING YOUR FINGERS INTO MY CERVIX DOES NOT READ PLEASURE, IT READS INVASIVE TRIP TO THE GYNECOLOGIST. So what does equal pleasure? Well, resorting to the terminology of Sleeping With Other People once more, the “dirty DJ” is a universal fan-fave. Consider it dipping your toes into the world of role playing: you’re a world touring DJ who rocks the old-school DJ table. Flatten your hand, and get wickey-wickey-wack (too much?). In other words, start slow, then make sharp and fast-paced movements with your hand. Pro tip: when you make these movements (like a DJ would make on DJ table), make sure your FLAT hand is perpendicular to your partner’s vulva (the external genitalia including the labia, vagina, and urethra). And if you need a refresher course on 8th grade geometry, two lines that are perpendicular form a t-shape, whereas parallel lines run alongside each other infinitely, but never cross. Understand that your hand is parallel to the vulva (or resting of the top of the vulva) then the top of your fingertips will jut into her vagina, rather than hitting the clitoris. If you want these movements to be effective, your hand should be parallel (or resting on top of) the pubis (the part of the female anatomy where pubic hair grows) so that your fingers will graze the top of their external genitalia (aka the clitoris). Though this advice reads like the messy word problem you skipped on your 8th grade algebra homework, this isn’t going to be an assignment you want to fail (TRUST ME). Just keep your hand flat, your movements regular, sharp, and quick, and you’ll be just fine.
3. UNDERSTAND AND EDUCATE YOURSELF ON THE FEMALE ANATOMY.
Like I said, this isn’t the junior high. You can’t just forget to study, and hope for the best. This advice may be the very advice that salvages your sex life, your relationship, or your own chances for self-pleasure. So consider this your crash course on female anatomy. For starters, vagina is one of the most misused terms in all of human history. Vagina is not an umbrella term for the entirety of female anatomy, but actually a very niche structure of all operating “systems.” NOTE THE DIAGRAM BELOW. Some key terms you’ll need to remember: clitoris (the mass of erectile tissue: known as the pleasure center), clitoral hood (the fleshy fold that covers the clitoris), and the vaginal opening (the opening you’ll be inserting fingers, a penis, or even sex toys into).
4. Remember that a very small fraction of women and/or vagina owners are capable of achieving orgasm through penetration alone.
In fact, it’s only about 25%. So introduce hand or oral stimulation (whether that’s with your own god-given sex toys, aka your hands, or a good vibrator).
5. Note: Some vagina-owners have difficulties orgasming and won’t be able to achieve orgasm (no matter what you do or try).
Like I mentioned earlier, the passé “you don’t need an orgasm for good sex” isn’t a sentiment that’s all bad. As someone who has had to, both, work through major psychological barriers involving sex and has also been intensely medicated with antidepressants that made orgasm literally impossible, sometimes even your best efforts won’t be enough—and that’s fine. But in these cases, the “it’s the thought that counts” principle comes into play. Of course, don’t make any extraneous effort, if your partner clearly states that attempts towards orgasm are useless pursuits/something they’re uncomfortable with. But, showing that you aren’t shrugging off their sexual pleasure is a love language that no one seems to talk about (at least, not openly). Regardless of the situation, be mindful that a failed attempts at orgasm aren’t always a reflection of your sexual inability, so don’t let your insecurities dominate your partner’s very real sexual barriers (physical, psychological, or otherwise). Because the only thing more disappointing than losing your orgasm, is having your partner shame you for not being able to orgasm.
Best of luck to all of you in your orgasm pursuits!