You may have worked retail and loved it. You may have worked retail and despised it. You may never have worked retail yet still stick up for sales associates in “people who yell at sales associates are going to hell” tumblr posts. Whatever your retail experience has been: You do not know the meaning behind everything a sales associate says. The Barbie smile plastered to “Hi, I’m Angie, how can I help you today?”’s face means a lot more than just “I’m going to fake bubbly because people are really asking for it today.”
“Hey! How are you today?”
I’m asking you this question because it has become part of my routine. No, please don’t expand on how awful your day was.
“Oh man, that’s tough.”
I don’t care that the line is long at Costa Vida and that you’re upset it isn’t warm enough in here.
“Our sale on clothing is buy one get one half off today—”
Ah, now you’re done talking. “I’m just looking,” you say? Well I’m just looking for a way to better your shopping experience. You may find yourself trying and buying more than you intended, but it does come with a steal of a deal.
“Your hands are full! Here’s a bag.”
Please. Take. The. Bag. Your hands are slathered in butter and I promise you are going to drop all five of those candles and instantly regret not taking this bag.
“Are you sure? Ok!”
You break you buy :-) Ugh, I wish.
“Which candle are you liking best? Oh, the Peppermint Cookie Crunch? I like this one over here; the blend of vanilla and musk really makes for a cozy feel!”
I’m bored because my manager just went on break and I’d rather talk to you than stare into space.
“I’m sorry, ma’am, we don’t carry that anymore!”
Please stop yelling at me. It’s literally not my fault. Please stop giving me the evil eye. Seriously, please stop.
“Sure, I’ll double-check back-stock for you. Just one moment, please.”
I guess this gives me a chance to check my phone, since I am not dumb and know we do not carry the summer fun socks anymore.
“What’s your zodiac sign?”
I’m still bored. My boss is still on break.
“Your hands are quite full, Miss. Are you sure you don’t want the bag?”
Take the freaking bag. If you take it, it won’t look so weird when I hand one to Mr. Sketchy-Pants over there who is obviously trying to steal. Speaking of Mr. Sketchy-Pants…
“I hate when people steal. Like, you really need that nail filer? It’s so disrespectful. Don’t you hate it when people steal? So so annoying.”
I’ve caught you red-handed! Okay maybe yellow-handed. Or maybe I didn’t even really catch you at all BUT I know it was you who took that nail filer the last time I saw you in here. I should feel a lot more powerless right now seeing as we are banned from prosecuting.
“A watch is only $10 dollars with a $30 dollar purchase today and you’ve spent $42, would you like to try one on?”
Please please please get the watch. The winner who sells the most watches gets a $5 gift card to Wendy’s and I am broke as fuh.
“Can I get your e-mail?”
I’m trying to help you. We are having a major sale this weekend and the e-mail coupon is going to tell you about it. I, however, cannot.
“Are you sure? It’s how we send you our best coupons!”
What does “Not today,” even mean? “Not today, but tomorrow for sure!” “Not today, but I’m thinking in 23 days I’d like to sign up.” “Not today, I’m being annoying and just not going to give you my email?”
“Have a nice day!”
You kind of pissed me off at one point but I believe people can change. I believe in a world where people are kind to sales associates. I believe in a world where sales associates are treated as equals. I believe in a world where workers of retail can live in harmony, peace and love alongside the rest of humankind.
“Oh, you’d like to make a return today?”
There goes making day. I take my speech about world peace all back.