I’m just gonna say it. Dating in Utah is freaking weird. Every first date feels like a gameshow called, “Is She Wife Material?” and by the 5th date, he’s making plans about our future. What kind of dog we’ll have, where we want to settle down, where we want to get married. It’s exhausting. Dating culture in Utah is so focused on the question of “Do I eventually want to marry this person, and if I don’t, what’s the point?”
The point is that you don’t have to marry every person you date. You don’t even have to entertain the idea of marriage with every person you date. The point of dating is figuring out what you want from your long term relationships, deciding what you find attractive in other people and what you need from your life partner (who, surprise, you don’t have to marry at all if you don’t want). You learn something from every relationship you have, about yourself as well as others, and if you deny yourself those experiences you might not ever know what you want or what is missing from your current relationship that you need.
The point of dating is to have fun. To look at another person and say “Yeah, I like you. I’m going to stick with this as long as it’s convenient for both of us.” What I mean by this is you don’t have to have plans forthea long term, you can take the relationship for what it is in the moment. If it’s working for you and you’re having fun, that’s all you need in a non-serious relationship. It can still be a meaningful relationship without future plans being involved as long as you are communicating openly and are on the same page. Don’t go pretending you want something long term if you are just looking to have some fun.
I think that in Utah it can be hard not to feel like you’re getting left behind. You are constantly surrounded by people your age who are married and some even have kids. They are all off doing “adult” things and you are stuck thinking that you will never find someone to love you. Hell, all of my cousins that are my age are married or on their way in that direction. Don’t let the couples get you down, stay focused on you. College students are (for the most part) fairly young people and rushing off to the chapel doesn’t do anything but force you to think about another person in the midst of a period of personal growth. College is a time for you to figure yourself out and I think it’s incredibly hard to do that with another person.
I think the scariest thing about dating in Utah is how fast everything moves. Sometimes it feels like I’ve just met my friends brand new boyfriend a month ago and now Twitter says they’re engaged. Who is this boy giving my cousin a ring and why is this the first time he’s appeared on her Instagram? There is insane pressure in Utah to get married as fast as you can and I always worry that people are missing out because they are so focused on this one goal. You are not a failure if you don’t get married in your early twenties! The average age of marriage in the US is between 27 and 30 years old. You have plenty of time. Slow down and really enjoy each other, make sure you have a strong foundation to build your marriage on before the day arrives.
Please y’all, let go of the idea that marriage indicates a successful relationship. You can have happy, fulfilling relationships even when marriage will never be part of the equation. Go forth, casually date like no one has before, put yourself first, and you will always come out successful and happy.